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I was sexually abused as a child. I am also sexually attracted to children. I wanted support for abuse survivors but was turned down. So where do people like me go? "I can't help you. Go to the prevention project."
In a few seconds, my hope of getting a place in therapy was dashed.
I was sexually abused between the ages of 6 and 11. I am also sexually attracted to children. The response has been the same whenever I have signed up to forums for survivors or found a therapist and hoped to finally be accepted: "I can't help you."
Last year I wanted to go to a specialised clinic for abuse survivors and was turned down.
I understood that other patients would find my pedophile attractions uncomfortable. On the other hand, I didn't understand why my condition had to be mentioned at all. My goal was to come to terms with my past.
A call to the prevention project Kein Täter werden—the 'prevention project' mentioned above—didn't help either. They referred me to a therapist in private practice. A dilemma.
Second-class victim
It has been a terrible feeling for me to experience time and again that nobody wants to help me because I am a pedophile, as if that one fact so devalued my experience as an abuse survivor that I deserved the rejection.
I have often asked myself why I became a pedophile. I don't think it's necessarily related to the abuse. I think the development is much more complex and is linked to biopsychosocial factors. Not everyone who has experienced sexual violence develops this sexual preference.
But both things have been difficult for me.
On the one hand, I realised that I admired and found children attractive and on the other hand, I was so ashamed of it. I grew up in a time with two stigmas: one against pedophiles; one against talking about being abused.
On the one hand, I had the feelings towards children and on the other, I had great shame because I thought that the perpetrators were right to think that I would like it.
Pedophiles are evil and a boy shouldn't cry
In Germany, the term 'Kinderschänder' has been used to mean child-molester. However, literally translated, it means "child-shamer".
This term is unfortunately still used today, even though victim protection initiatives have been calling for years for it to no longer be used. It implies the survivor is condemned to a lifetime of shame. It seems to imply complicity in what happened. The shame is like a burn scar that never disappears. The experience is so taboo that you can no longer talk about it.
When the abuse is discovered, the shame for the family, the accusations and the stigmatisation are terrible. And as a boy, you're supposed to be strong and not cry because weakness is not masculine.
And yet the first understanding and compassion I experienced about this in my life came from my friends in the anti-contact pedophile community in Germany. I had never experienced being listened to properly before. The friends in my team at Schicksal und Herausforderung e.V helped me a lot and I learned that I am allowed to cry.
My path
When are you healed? When do the scars in a person's soul fade?
I don't know. In 2023, I found a therapist who had experience with trauma and who didn't hang up immediately on the phone. She listened to me and offered to talk to me. I realised that some difficult feelings were soon to come up.
Those were difficult months full of flashbacks and sadness, but sometimes also hope. I felt less burdened over time. The biggest step was to visit the places where the abuse happened.
This was during a time when I was also administering a pedophile forum and taking on more and more responsibility at SuH.
My way of processing it was not only to confront my own issues, but also to help others. I read some studies about sexual violence in German educational institutions, dealing with institutionalised sexual violence, trauma disorders and perpetrator ideologies. Today, I can draw on this knowledge and my own experiences when counselling victims of abuse who are also attracted to children.
We cannot ignore that much actual sexual violence against children is rarely addressed at all. But when it is, 'pedophiles' as a group are routinely declared the culprits. There are certainly pedophile perpetrators, but there are also many who strictly reject sexual acts with children.
On the one hand, there is a lot of hatred towards pedophiles and because of related taboos, existing sexual violence against children is often hushed up. This creates an unfair situation for children. Strong and enlightened children with a good relationship of trust with their parents or friends are much more likely to confide in someone if a boundary is crossed. However, young people who realise that they have feelings for children are caught in the other stigma and often fall into great despair.
If a young person with sexual feelings for children also has a history of abuse, the situation becomes even more difficult. Child protection should also include protecting children from the consequences of both stigmas. What does a desperate young person do when they are struggling with this alone? Hopefully nothing that is permanent.
My advice if you have been abused and are sexually attracted to children
if you are in this position, I would like to tell you something.
You are not to blame for anything. Neither the abuse nor your feelings towards children.
You are just as valuable as any other person and there is help for you. You may find MSC or other anti-contact environments and gain a lot of insight.
It's a lot at first and may be overwhelming. But if you hold on to your life, you will find healing. We can help each other together. | |
