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No Dogs Allowed dares to tell a realistic story about us and breaks with a false image that has been painted too often. We approach the film as viewers who know the importance of self-help, condemn child abuse and are committed to a society in which the question is no longer how to hide and condemn pedophile sexual preference, but how to create acceptance that benefits everyone.
We can give insight into the plight of young people who today look back on a time when they could not accept themselves and were helpless.
This acceptance has nothing to do with the ‘normalization of paedophilia’, but is about the possibility of protecting children from sexual violence. It is also about protecting young people from major psychological crises, even suicide, and helping them to live as part of society without being hated and despised for their feelings.
We hope that this film will contribute to this. Here is how I discussed it with two other pedophiles.
Our discussion
MARKUS:
There was a scene in this film that moved me to tears. As I watched it, I realised the film was able to convey an empathy and distress that, in my opinion, no film on this subject has ever managed to do.
The scene was filled with the distress that Gabo experienced, even though all he really wanted was someone to talk to.
His distress was honest because it was caused by his feelings and a loneliness that I, as a pedophile teenager, and many others at the time know very well. The volunteers at VirPed and MSC have known this loneliness too.
I asked the former VirPed moderator PY about his feelings as a teenager.
PY:
I first discovered my attraction to boys between the ages of 5 and 12 when I was 13 and just entering puberty.
At first, I didn't think much of it as the age difference wasn't that big, but as I got older, and my attraction didn't age with me, I knew something was wrong. I was still young enough that it didn't bother me too much, but when I was 16, I came across an article about a VirPed member and that's when it hit me full force. That's what I was: a paedophile.
I was horrified, many questions went through my mind. Would I grow up to be a monster? Would I have to deal with these feelings for the rest of my life? Would I ever be able to experience a normal sexual relationship, or would I be doomed to only have crushes on those who couldn't consent? I felt isolated from my friends, family and society and had many nightmares about how they would react if they knew the truth.
Finally, I plucked up the courage to sign up to VirPed myself in the hope that talking to people who understood what I was going through would help me. And yes, VirPed really did help me.
Talking to other non-offending, anti-C paedophiles took a huge weight off my shoulders, I no longer felt isolated, and I learnt that there are many others who feel the same way but are not monsters. Through the community, I learnt to accept myself, and I'm in a better mental state now than I was at 16.
If you're a teenager experiencing this for the first time, let me tell you this: I know it's scary, I know you probably have severe anxiety. I want you to know that you are not to blame for your feelings, and that those feelings do not automatically make you a danger to children.
You can live a happy life without harming children, and if you feel alone, I would encourage you to get involved in places like VirPed or MSC where you can talk to people who know what you're going through.
MARKUS: MSC and VirPed are helpful projects. But what do young people do when their inhibitions and fears are too great?
In the film, when Gabo tries to call a prevention network, he hangs up after a while. When I saw this scene, I thought of users from our forum who only gained the courage to seek counselling from Kein Täter werden after participating in our forum. Conversely, users have often found their way to SuH via our flyers that are left in the waiting rooms of KTW locations.
I was not a participant in a prevention project and found SuH through a Google search. I remember it took me a lot of effort because I was already scared of the word. I would have felt safer if I hadn't repeatedly felt how taboo and demonised this topic was in my childhood and youth.
I would like to see a discourse that is less labelling and more mobilizing, supporting and not condemning; one that addresses how you can help your son or daughter when the child confides in their parents and talks about their feelings towards children.
Abuse risks for young, isolated pedophiles
This film shows the danger that exists when a young person, out of necessity and because of the stigmatization of paedophilia in this society, comes into contact with an older pedophile who is an abuser, and who abuses him.
Gabo offers his body as a kind of service in return to the only person with whom he can be completely open, even though he says he does not want the sexual contact.
He also takes carries a sense of responsibility for the continued existence of his older mentor, under which he threatens to break.
A self-help project in a protected space might have given them the same chance of self-acceptance, without the manipulation of an abuser.
This tragedy shows very clearly the distress that young people like Gabo can experience, and not just in the context of sexual boundary violations.
The risks from isolation through stigma
Here, too, stigmatization is a great burden that, in the worst case, the family cannot bear.
I have heard of many bad experiences that pedophiles have in self-help and counselling - someone losing almost their entire family after coming out, or, as in my case, being accepted but still not talking about this truth and hiding it.
In such cases, there are rare, hurtful hints and much more frequent looks in which the unspoken disappointment lies so heavily in the room that you can hardly breathe. It is crucial to be able to talk to someone.
As an activist with Schicksal und Herausforderung e. V., I am in contact with other like-minded projects that offer self-help, collaborate on media projects and educate on the topic.
Gabo has the opportunity to talk to someone about his feelings of being in love, about his insecurities and at the same time he is manipulated and his pronounced "no", fades and goes under.
Here, the filmmakers have succeeded in presenting a toxic dynamic in a brief moment that would need many words to articulate in writing.
I asked an MSC staff member about how he reached out for support.
TERMINALLYUNIQUE:
I only joined MSC in my early 30s, but I wish there had been a platform like this when I was a teenager.
At 16, I subconsciously knew I was attracted to boys, which is actually a little late. I came out to my best friend at the time in high school, and without going into too much detail, it wasn't a good experience.
I would have preferred to find peace with my sexual preference in a safer environment like MSC, which does not tolerate offence and belittlement. I could have spared myself the denial and confusion that plagued me for more than a decade.
MARKUS
This safe framework of MSC is something many would have wished for in their teenage years. But the availability of therapeutic services and a willingness to listen is also crucial. Listening even when the person doesn't dare to talk because they feel completely different than they ‘should’? There are no wrong feelings when it comes to a past of abuse!
How taboo against pedophiles creates pressure on survivors
As a survivor of sexual violence, I would therefore like to report on a fact that many people cannot comprehend. The tabooing of the perpetrators can create pressure. Because for many people, anyone who doesn't equally hate pedophiles is automatically on the wrong side.
This is very worrying. The toxic connections that survivors of sexual violence sometimes have with their perpetrators can be accompanied by very ambivalent feelings.
In addition to anger and sadness, someone may also experience feelings of guilt, a false sense of responsibility or even a sense of having a positive memory of the abuse.
A perpetrator's ideology is based on nothing other than establishing a trust, a friendship, entering into a connection that is one-sided, not informed consensual, accompanied by a power imbalance and therefore harmful.
In the film, you can clearly see that Gabo says no, but can't enforce this no. How could he?
He longs for someone he can talk to and can't assert himself because of the power imbalance. It was important for me to point this out.
You can achieve a lot here as a parent, dependant but also as a therapist if you don't give the person the feeling that you expect certain emotions or that they ‘have to’ feel this way or that way.
In my experience, acceptance is crucial here, as it can pave the way for further processing. I deliberately write about ‘survivors’ because it is crucial for many people not to see themselves as victims. Feeling in control of your own life, recognizing your own limits and standing up for them. Like equality, this self-efficacy and detachment begins with language.
What the subject felt about the film
It was also important for me to talk to the user on whose story this film is based.
He told me, "I liked the film very much. I hope it can make some people think and that it is important to offer professional help, especially to young people who have this tendency."
I would like that too. This film has conveyed these different moods, fears and hopes excellently. I would like to take this opportunity to thank him and the producers of the film.
I hope that this film makes some viewers think and that he can find some kind of closure through the broadcast of the film, to which his own story has contributed.
It was very brave of him to open up, and I can imagine that this process has not been easy for him. This is a version of an article previously published in German at SuH ev. No Dogs Allowed is listed on imdb. | |
