i had a dream / of a man from years ago / alone after jerking off. his head

i had a dream
of a man from years ago
alone after jerking off. his head
is the head of a mantis chewing
through the head of a mate. his insectile teeth moving
back and forth like meticulous fingers,
like he is cleaning something
violently.
his head is a typewriter chewing
through journal pages, minutiae from
his days and days and days.
keys hammering in his jaw, he softens the
strokes, relaxes his throat, opens his
mouth to receive another page. he takes
the whole thing and
opens again and the pages keep rolling
around in his mouth.
is he spitting out or
      swallowing
   down?
i don't know.

but his eyes are afraid like
he's been holding his breath too
long underwater and his lungs are
starving. starving like it's midnight and he's just
jerked off and he's here in the kitchen now
with a dinner plate polished so bright he
can see his face in it. polished
like the silver dish in the refrigerator full of
his head.
he opens and finds it here plated
because he has not been telling
the truth. not to himself anyway
(or anyone else either)
and he's hungry because that's what he
gets when he jerks off.
he's hungry and he's looking for something
to replace what he's empty of now or maybe
to absolve him
a little
for what's still left in him and the fridge is
full of one silver dish with his quiet lying
head full of teeth smiling down on him like
there's something true it could say
right now to make everything
come together but (what was he jerking off to?
that has him so hungry? don't say it.
don't say it. is there honey under that tongue or a mouth
full of locusts? don't
say it) the lips are cold and his dinner plate is empty
and he is famished

the p word is a collection of 313 articles, blogs, podcasts and threads in the voices of pedophiles and others who oppose adult child sexual contact and sexual exploitation of children. Despite our mainstream views, this content is frequently removed from social media or blog sites because openly discussing pedophile attractions or avowing them are not tolerated. Our side of the conversation continues here.

editor at the p word net | Except where stated, all images are AI and do not depict real people. | Download the whole site.

writer in a dark field: sheila van den heuvel-collins

poem: oven

terminology: cp versus csem

global prevention project

They said: There's no representation for MAPs. It's sex offenders, it's victims of sexual assault—so the stories they gave me ended up in this book.

brandon goletzski

the summer is at its full weight / i stand in the air-conditioned kitchen looking out from the window (why / is it that so much happens at kitchen windows?)

ethan edwards

I have a whole series of posts on child pornography, often abbreviated as CP. Another more recent phrase for this is "child sex exploitation material", abbreviated as CSEM.

They said: There's no representation for MAPs. It's sex offenders, it's victims of sexual assault—so the stories they gave me ended up in this book.

the summer is at its full weight / i stand in the air-conditioned kitchen looking out from the window (why / is it that so much happens at kitchen windows?)

I have a whole series of posts on child pornography, often abbreviated as CP. Another more recent phrase for this is "child sex exploitation material", abbreviated as CSEM.