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How do you live a safe life? For me, an important part is understanding and sticking to my boundaries. This blog is my story, and specific to me, but I've always wanted to share it with a broader lens. Yes, the experiences are my own. However, the fundamental ideas that guide me, how to find happiness, how to be a good person, and how to navigate my sexuality, are, I feel, universal. I want to know that everyone, pedophile or not, can find something in here that they share with me.
This post is going to stretch that idea a bit. It's about the boundaries I set for my own behavior, and that's just a much bigger question for a pedophile.
It starts, as so many of my stories do, with the 14-year-old kid just realizing his attractions. What do 14-year-old boys typically wonder about? It's often stuff like dating (and sex, of course) alongside the Avengers or football or whatever. If they're really introspective and sexually aware, maybe they think about things like consent, but let's be honest. Most fourteen-year-olds are not known for that insight; we try to teach them respect for their partners as they grow older.
Those simpler thoughts were not a luxury I shared. If you were me, a pedophile who wanted to live a good life, your thoughts would've been this: Am I ever going to hurt a child? How can I stop that from happening?
It's really a bit of a strange worry, because I knew the person I was would never hurt another person, let alone a kid. It wasn't me, exactly that I feared; it was what I might become. The only pedophiles I ever heard about were those that hurt children. Why would I be any different?
Was that fear weird? I knew people changed, sometimes a lot, as they grew older. Everyone tells you how much you change as you grow up. Lots of movies feature old high school friends getting together and seeing the sad spiral their best friend had gone down. I knew that people went through some mysterious "mid-life crisis"—what if instead of buying an expensive car and growing a beer belly, I gave up on my morality and hurt boys? I even worried I might get hit on the head and somehow the rock would land just right to knock out the part of my brain that controlled my morality and judgement. It's weird knowing that the raw desires live within you to be an awful person. I feared some mysterious event that would make the real me disappear, leaving just my worst impulses.
In retrospect, these fears feel both terrifying and silly. These days I'm pretty sure my mid-life crisis won't involve becoming a psychopath or buying an expensive car—in fact, it might just be writing this blog! But, even if they were the exaggerated fears of a kid, they were real, serious fears about myself. To give you a sense, here's how scared I was. Although I've always been pretty happy, and I've never been suicidal, I still thought about how to kill myself. I didn't want to, and I didn't hate myself. It would be a protective measure in case my desires ever got too strong.
The much less gruesome choice I made to protect myself was to answer some important questions and set some boundaries. Clear bright lines that would keep me far away from any chance of hurting kids. If you too are a pedophile, maybe these will help you think things through for yourself. If you're not, I wonder if you'll find reflections of your own moral dilemmas, or if you'll at least find it comforting that someone like me has a way to deal with my desires.
I set myself a lot of questions as a kid. I remember walking around my bedroom, pacing and going through answers, thinking through them from different sides. I had to ask myself not just how to keep kids safe, but even what kind of fantasies were moral to have. Here were some of my questions:
- Am I really a pedophile?
- Am I, right now, a danger to children?
- How do I make sure I don't hurt children in the future?
- Is it OK to look at...
- Normal pictures of kids?
- Movies or TV shows featuring kids? Am I allowed to seek those out, or should I try to judge purely based on "artistic merit?" (What can I say, I was a snobby kid!)
- Erotic drawn images of kids?
- Erotic stories about kids?
- What if those feature kink or non-consent?
- What about actual child pornography?
- Should I ever tell anyone about my desires?
- My family?
- My best friends?
- A therapist?
- Do I want to go online to meet other pedophiles?
- Can I have friends? What do I tell them about my sexuality? What do I do when they ask me who I have a crush on?
- Can I ever have a relationship?
- Can I ever have sex?
- Can I ever have kids?
- Can I let myself be around kids? How much?
- Should I hate myself for being a pedophile?
I just want to take a step back for a moment, and again, ask you to imagine trying to answer these questions when you're thirteen or fourteen years old, with nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. I was one of the lucky ones: level-headed, a stable home life, and plenty of (probably too much, let's be honest) self confidence. I went through these questions systematically and calmly. Without that... things might've been really different for me. They are for a lot of other people.
We'll get back to these questions in future blog posts.
But let's talk about boundaries.
Sex is scary. Even without pedophilia in the mix, consent is murky and often ignored; rape is far too common; people lose control and get hurt, both physically and emotionally. I remember naively asking myself why society couldn't trust people like me, why they thought we were all just creatures at the mercy of our sex drive. It wasn't until years later when I thought about Harvey Weinstein, college rapes, and other sexual abuses by "respectable" people. They made it clear that trust, when it comes to sex, is going to be scarce no matter whom we're talking about.
But if you can't trust anyone, can I trust myself? How do I keep myself making the right decisions when it comes to sex?
This is where I hope even non-pedophiles can relate. Studies have repeatedly found that sexual arousal causes poor decision making. In one study, college students who were more aroused were more likely to make unsafe sexual decisions and to ignore when their partner said "no;" in another study, participants were less likely to use a condom and more likely to make risky decisions even at non-sexual tasks like blackjack(!) when they more aroused.
That means that if we want to protect ourselves from bad decisions, we have to make those decisions before we're aroused. It's why I set clear bright lines. I can't hide from myself if I cross them, I can't lie to myself or pretend it doesn't matter. When I make decisions ahead of time, I don't have to make them in the moment.
Boundaries are going to be different for each person, and you're going to have to set your own. But here are mine.
Personal behavior: I'm allowed to spend time with kids, but I won't encourage a child to be physically closer to me (e.g. sitting on my lap). Also, obviously, I won't encourage or do anything sexual with a child.
This is actually a bit of a tough one. It's frustrating being at a friend's house and thinking, "If I was a normal person, I'd invite this kid to sit on my lap while reading him this story." But I decided that it's too risky that I might start pushing kids to get close to me for the wrong reasons. It's a clearer line to say "don't do this" than "you can do it if it looks like the kid wants it." If the kid asks to sit in my lap, fine. Otherwise, I won't invite him.
Fantasies: No fantasizing about kids I know personally.
When I see a kid, I will often think, "they're attractive." I have no problem with that thought; it stops there, and I don't think about anything directly sexual. I also don't let myself fantasize about them later, even privately.
When I was a teenager, I did fantasize about kids I knew when I was in private. I don't think it made me any more likely to act on my desires, but I changed my practices because I didn't want to prime myself with dirty thoughts when I interacted with them again. It's not the person I want to be; I want to just interact with them as people.
Porn: No viewing child pornography or nonsexual nude children. Drawn images, computer renders, written erotica, and non-sexual (clothed) real images are OK.
As far as I'm concerned, there is harm to child pornography. Someone who couldn't consent is now being seen in a vulnerable position by other people, and they don't want that to happen. Even if the victim never knows about it, you're violating their wishes about their body. Sometimes, I desperately want to look at child pornography. I don't do it, even when given the opportunity, and I am proud of that.
On the other hand, I don't believe that fictional depictions of sex encourage me to offend, and there are no victims: no child was harmed in their making, no one is being exposed against their will. At least for me, I believe that fictional erotica is a safe and appropriate outlet for desires that can't be safely let out anywhere else. The images let me be more calm and at peace with myself, and keep me from becoming repressed and bottled up in potentially negative ways. I let myself view them, although I don't recommend it for everyone. Others might find themselves triggered to seek out something stronger. It's a complicated issue, which I will address in a future blog post.
Telling friends: If I become very close to anyone (in a romantic/dating/partnership sense), I will tell them about my attractions; and I will try to make sure some of my friends know as well.
This is both controversial and dangerous. I'm lucky that I have good friends and good social presence, but it's not for everyone. I thought about it for a long time as a kid; there's no fear I've felt that's quite like just before I tell someone the truth about me.
The thing is, I just can't imagine lying to a partner about my orientation. I don't want to live like that, closeted and in secret from someone I'm supposed to be close to. While in high school, I promised myself that I'd tell anyone early enough in our relationship that they wouldn't feel cheated. It means that whenever I consider anyone as a partner, one of my first questions is, "would I ever trust this person knowing?"
I desperately want to be honest with those I'm close to, but that's not the only reason to come out to friends. I hate to admit this as a reason because it places a burden on my friends, but if others know about me, it's much more dangerous for me to undertake any risky behavior. It's never been relevant and it almost certainly never will be, but telling friends about it dissuades my future self from pushing boundaries.
I have to admit, aside from the stress of telling someone, their knowing can also be really awkward. I remember telling a room of friends that I liked "Stranger Things," and two of them knew I was a pedophile. Did they think I liked it because of the boys? (Frankly, they're not my type!) I couldn't clarify, and I could feel a sense of awkwardness in the room. I wondered if they were looking at me differently. I wanted to shout at them: "It's a funny show about the '80s, of course I like it! I judge based on artistic merit!!" (Turns out, I'm still a snob.)
I also wonder what those friends think if I'm around their kids. Again, I want to tell them, "it's not like that," but... it's too awkward to bring up, even though they know about me.
On the other hand, it means a lot to come out to someone and be accepted. One friend even said, “I can’t think of a better person for this to happen to,” which is a compliment, I suppose!
Telling anyone comes with huge risk, and it's a very personal choice I never recommend to other pedophiles unless they feel confident about it. It was right for me, but if someone reacts badly, they can out you and completely wreck your life. Tread carefully.
Life balance: I am not defined by my pedophilia, and I will stay focused on the other parts of my life.
This is tough. I wish I was like other people, where my sexuality could be integrated into my life instead of totally separate. Instead, my career, my friends, etc. are totally separated from my pedophile life. I try to limit how much time I spend thinking about my sexuality. I want to build my career, have fun with real-life friends, and invest in myself as a person, but it means leading two lives.
Somehow, around the holidays, I always seem to get more sexual, to put more time into this side of me. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Maybe it's because everyone else goes to be with family, and I don't have the same family to be with.
I have this vivid memory of being at a friend's house for a party in early January, and someone asked me what I had been up to. My big accomplishment had been... publishing a new erotic story that had been really well received. I couldn't tell him about that, so I just talked about work. It really hurt me that I had something I felt accomplished about that was helping and entertaining people, but I couldn't share it. The same is true with this blog, or whenever I get contacted by a young person struggling with pedophilia whom I help out. I can't tell my friends "hey, I helped someone give up viewing child pornography." It's frustrating to do something I think is really important to bettering the world and not be able to share it.
Finding the right balance between a sexual and non-sexual life is hard for anyone, but it's especially hard when your sexual life has to be entirely secret. Honestly, this might be the aspect that's hardest for me. It's guarding my "real" life that keeps these blog updates to only every couple of weeks!
Whew. You know, it's funny writing all of this down. Until I started writing about my sexuality, I never enumerated my boundaries in this way; they were just mixed around in my brain. A friend of mine, who knows about my pedophilia, said that reading about my boundaries on my Quora posts really helped her understand how I kept safe and put her more at ease about me, so I'm glad I can put them down here, and hopefully be of help to others.
I wonder if more people should list their boundaries, not just pedophiles. I wonder if that might help keep all of us from making dangerous decisions.
You might ask yourself, does Leonard need these boundaries to stay safe? Probably not, all things considered, but I'm glad they're there. They give me, and even my friends, more confidence in my success. If I stick to them, I don't have to stop and doubt myself morally and wonder if I'm a good person; I've already thought about that. They help me know that I'm living the life I want to live, and being the person I want to be.
You can find the original article, along with reader comments (and the opportunity to leave your own) at Leonard's blog. | |
