I don't think of myself as gay. Their vibrant culture is not mine. And yet, their stories are my stories.

I don't think of myself as gay.

This comes as a surprise to friends who know my attractions, since I am, after all, male and attracted to males. One friend even asked if my reluctance to call myself gay could stem from homophobia! But it's not that at all. You see, I don't feel like I have a place in the gay community.

I am attracted almost exclusively to young boys. The vibrant culture that has built up around gay men just does not apply to me. Bath houses, drag shows, gay bars, the innumerable small details of how gay men talk and dress and act are wonderful, but they are not my people. They're just not. Quite simply, I don't belong.

And yet.

Their stories... their stories are my stories.

The uniting experience of gay men of a certain age is living in secret with their attractions, and that's my experience, too. Being uncertain who I can trust, fearing that I will lose my job or friends if I am discovered, finding friends in hidden places... check, check, and check. I remember the fear and terror the first time I met someone like myself, a fear that has never gone away. The details are different (I'm not looking to pursue love or to have sex with anyone, and I find my friends online), but the feelings... those are my feelings.

These stories, the books and movies and podcasts and more, they're the ones where I truly recognize myself. When I have read a book about a gay man who finally comes out and shares his true identity, and then he finds a place to be welcomed, it's the greatest catharsis I can feel. Although it's not a coming out story, the joy and heartbreak of Call Me By Your Name remains my favorite movie. Someday, perhaps there will be real books and movies about people like me; until then, this is the closest I have to seeing myself in popular media.

I share all of that because I was touched beyond belief when I read about Colonel Edward Thomas Ryan, born in 1938, who came out as gay in his obituary. He lived in secret for 85 years, serving the people around him and living a full life. After his obituary was published, it got so much love. As I read his story, I could feel that whole journey in my bones. It touched me in a really deep way, and I cried to see him finally come out, in death, and to be accepted. This blog post is my own little tribute to him, his journey, and his bravery.

I used to think that being accepted for who I am was not so important to me: I have friends, a career, a life that matters to me, and that's enough. Now, though, I'm realizing that I am not all there if a part of me must remain hidden. Like Col. Ryan, I don't expect to be able to come out broadly during my lifetime, or at least not while I still need a career and want to travel and be myself. However, if my life allows it and it won't hurt those around me, I hope to release a memoir when I am retired and near the end of my life. Sharing who I am, revealing myself to the world, will not just share my life with all of my friends who can finally know me, but it will do my bit to help other people like me see a real person who lived well with his attractions.

That's the spirit I saw within the obituary: it shared Col. Ryan's life, in all its fullness, and then it added the truth that he is gay. Being gay did not define him, but it was an important part to who the man was.

I encourage you to read about him. I found [this article](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/14/nyregion/military-veteran-obituary-gay.html) especially touching, and [this one](https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2024/06/13/decorated-veteran-comes-out-as-gay-in-obituary/74085333007/) shares much of the public reaction.

I really do hope that he rests in peace. It wasn't just gay people whom he touched deeply with his admission, and I am grateful for his story and his life.

In order to avoid the long gap between posts, I've decided to occasionally post short pieces like this one. I am still working on several longer, more thoughtful posts, which I believe are the heart of this blog. In the meantime, I hope that shorter posts provide some value and sense of continuity as I make time for writing when I can. Please be forgiving, as I won't be editing these shorter posts as closely as my longer ones.

the p word is a collection of 256 articles, blogs and podcasts in the voices of pedophiles and others who oppose adult child sexual contact and sexual exploitation of children. Despite our mainstream views, this content is frequently removed from mainstream social media or blog sites because openly discussing pedophile attractions or avowing them are not tolerated. Our side of the conversation continues here.

editor at the p word net | All images are AI and do not depict real people.

discoveries on attraction and life partnerships

i am brett. i am a pedophile. here is my story

millennial map dillon

leonard johnston

The evolution of my sexuality and my search for a life partnership.

brett daywalker

To tell the whole story, I’d need to write a book. A very long and fucked-up book. We’ll call this, the ultra, ultra abridged version.

dillon

His result was that I was at a 'moderate risk factor' to molest a child. And it really annoyed me, and I really felt judged. Like, is that all you see me as? As a risk factor?

The evolution of my sexuality and my search for a life partnership.

To tell the whole story, I’d need to write a book. A very long and fucked-up book. We’ll call this, the ultra, ultra abridged version.

His result was that I was at a 'moderate risk factor' to molest a child. And it really annoyed me, and I really felt judged. Like, is that all you see me as? As a risk factor?