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So I sought out people like me. I would go on those sketchy teen/tween chat rooms, explaining that I was a minor looking for someone to talk to.
Bly Rede is a co-director of Virtuous Pedophiles. Blog posts reflect his personal views, and are not statements from the organisation.
In 2021, I had a supervised conversation with someone, then 17, who had joined the MSC anti-contact community of pedophiles. I asked them about the process of finding out their attractions and how they reached out online to find people with something in common. This is what they told me at the time. Now they are an adult they have consented to the publication of these words. I began by asking their age.
I’m turning 17, it’s been about 6 years since I discovered I had these attractions
So do you have any specific earliest memory of having an inkling of being minor attracted?
I guess at 11 started having a bit of being attracted to same age and a bit younger peers. Crushes and stuff. Onset of puberty I guess I started getting all the regular puberty stuff like new feelings, some of them being for peers and younger kids at school etc.
Never really associated myself with the term pedophile with the way I understood it at the time, to me they were the white van human trafficker people, kidnapper strangers or expats who flew over to take advantage of the poorer families.
Got into fiction content (written and drawn stuff) because it was arousing to me and freely available. There was a little stuff that kind of made me feel that I was somewhat different from the norm. Like when peers would discuss their crushes and make fun of each other for them, it would tend to be the more maturish girls I guess, while in contrast I liked the girls who were in my aoa [age of attraction].
At some points I would engage in banter with the friend group at lunch, maybe talk about anime shit, Loli stuff mainly. I think I began considering myself a “lolicon” and that was a topic that came up during discussion sometime, like I would poke fun at a peer in the group for liking "siscon" stuff then they would clap back by mentioning that I liked so and so characters.
I identified with that label I guess since at the time with what I knew, I felt it best described me. Then I continued to get older, same as the people I previously had attractions to but no longer had for them because they simply weren’t attractive to me anymore. Still I didn’t really associated myself with the term pedophile since I didn’t really know that much-then . The feelings still persisted.
By discover attractions I guess they just started along with the other puberty stuff. Like someone went boom here, all these changes are happening to you and also you know feel attracted to these people.
Feeling warm feelings, arousal, infatuation and allat that I assume other people feel aswell.
But like it was towards people my age and younger
I started figuring out that all these feelings I were having would mean that I would fit the definition of someone who was a pedophile at about 13-14ish
When you talk about the onset of puberty, which age was this at and at that time did you see younger kids regularly?
Late 11-12ish was onset I think
I saw younger kids and stuff mostly at and around school. and also while hanging out at park with peers, stuff people do
You didn't really interact with them?
While waiting to be picked up after school in the waiting area I would pass the time with whoever there, some were people in lower grades. Like play soccer with half full water bottles, pokemon and yugioh cards, beyblades, sit on concrete bench, tag, freeze tag, infection tag, various other variations of tag, just fun kid stuff
The children you spent time with in that way, did these include those to whom you were attracted?
Sometimes, just depends on who was still there. I’ve had specific crushes. Regarding My first crush, I look back with cringe at that period cus I wrote shitty poetry.
At what stage did you get into loli?
12-13 around, watched some anime, some of them had characters like that stuff. I found some of them cute but also attractive a bit. Eventually I looked up some of those characters on some sites then found out that sfw stuff wasn’t the only way they were portrayed. Got into it
Did you let people assume you were straight and has that been the case until now?
Yeah, I’ve come out as Bi to a limited amount of friends though.
[I] let people assume I’m straight
I’m out as minor attracted to a very limited amount of people
Actually I have poor impulse control and may have outed myself multiple times to a still limited but still not like only one or two amount of people
Or at least looking back at statements I’ve made in-front of peers and during voice chat calls, said stuff that would make someone think I was minor attracted or heavily imply it
Like making side comments that would seem suspect impulsively
Have you had a longterm crush on someone you knew or saw IRL?
How long is long term?
Had a crush on someone from 6th to early 9th grade then they aged out and attractions went away
5th to end of 5th I had another crush
They were people who were in class and also in same school
Interacted with both
Like group projects and at lunch
The 6th to 9th one I had as classmate first then separate classes later but class tables were within sight. A bit of interaction within the context of school and maybe small talk but nothing beyond acquaintancy
That’s just most my relations with people though
Can you explain if you ever interacted with a MAP community while a minor before now?
The only other people I thought that were also attracted to minors were like the stereotypical chat room/discord groomer pred folk like in the tv, news and online safety psa’s.
So I sought out those people to like ask people who I thought were like me, about their perspective on having these feelings and what they did. I would go on those sketchy teen/tween chat rooms, shoot out a message explaining that I was a minor and my situation, that I was looking for someone to talk to.
I used throwaway accounts on vpns for the most part. Some people were creeps, but a good amount just explained what they went through. Like how they went through their lives etc, they all were like saying how they just didn’t tell anyone for the most part. They had these feelings and that I shouldn’t do stupid shit. I’m pretty sure they would be classified as "pro-contact" given the kind of stuff they were doing and said. Another space I found was this “free speech” video hosting site that was like 75% videos about pedophilia, specifically pro contact stuff.
There was strangely a lot of incorporating religious or political views into their justifications for thinking that offending was ok. There was this one guy who posted videos of himself arguing that his religious texts prove that he should be able to marry tweens, another guy who went on esoteric rants on why necrophilic sexual cannabalism of children was a valid social thing to strive for.
Looking back I don’t think these spaces were very safe nor were they conducive to a non offending thought process, but it was what I thought to seek out to find people to relate to at that time.
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