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Since I sought with passion the sort of partner that society approved of, there was little impetus to look at whether I had any other attractions. As I entered adulthood, I had some strengths. I was smart and on my way to getting a Ph.D. from a world-class institution, free of debt. I had some pretty good people skills. But I also had some notable challenges. I was lacking confidence and was plagued by clinical depression.
I very much wanted to marry a woman and live happily ever after, but had trouble forming relationships. I was either never attracted at all, or was strongly attracted too soon and seemingly unable to slow down and take things one step at a time. My sexual attraction to adult women was unmistakable and strong — which is not the typical pattern for non-exclusive pedophiles. Since I sought with passion the sort of partner that society approved of, there was little impetus to look at whether I had any other attractions in addition.
I did realize that I thought eighth grade was when girls were at their peak attractiveness. I knew of course not to pursue any. I also knew even the attraction was taboo, so it was best to stay silent. But I figured most other men shared the same attraction. The overt message from society is that such attractions are wrong and shameful. But part of society understands that such girls are sexually attractive to many people. The advertising industry makes money marketing things that way. There is a documentary, "Are all men pedophiles?" which shows persuasively the many ways that young teen girls are viewed sexually. (A better title might have been, "Are all men hebephiles?")
I did get married before the age of 30 and we had three daughters. I found out a great deal about little girls from every angle. I felt nothing but parental love for my daughters, but was fascinated in a different way with some of their friends. I chalked that up to the fascination and affection that adults typically feel for children, if perhaps mine was a bit stronger than average.
I am not by nature a very impulsive person at all. For instance, on a couple occasions I had the opportunity to have sex with an enthusiastic woman who I found very attractive, but didn't, because I was thinking ahead to how the longer-term consequences would not be so great, outweighing immediate pleasure. When rough-housing with my daughters and their friends, I don't recall it ever occurring to me to touch one sexually. But I did know what the boundaries were between behavior that was suspicious and what was beyond reproach. I very much wanted to avoid being thought to be suspicious. I think this is a wise attitude that many men today bring to their interactions with children, even if they have no pedophilic inclinations at all.
By the time I was in my early 50s, my marriage had disintegrated for reasons having nothing to do with minor attraction, even viewed with 20-20 hindsight. I was also having all the same troubles finding another partner as I had the first time around. By this time, I had firmly established views about thoughts, feelings, behavior and morality. I accepted that thoughts and feelings could be inconsistent, irrational, or outrageous. It was healthiest not to feel bad about thoughts, even violent fantasies. What was vital was to keep them in perspective and instead guide actions based on the better angels of a person's nature.
In my early 50s, my nest was rapidly emptying, I was on a glide path to retirement in a career that didn't excite me, and I was in a part-time relationship that had no prospect of becoming more. I had concluded that the way forward was not to go back to dating women. Along with the earlier serious problem, I now had the additional challenge that it was rare for me to find a woman over the age of 35 to be attractive. Many people might view such emphasis on age to stem from accepting the assumptions of the patriarchy, but I had a hunch that in my case there was more going on.
Much of my life had been devoted to serving others. I was the sort of helpful, cooperative child grown-ups loved. Friends valued my ability to listen carefully and offer not just sympathy but also advice. I had a commitment to a leftist program of political change that occupied much of my leisure time for the first ten years after college. I was a heavily involved parent. I threw myself into volunteering with the (very liberal) church I brought my girls to when they were young.
In what I might call a mid-life adjustment (not crisis), I looked at what else life might hold for me. Maybe something just for me? I had until that point accepted the typical view among my peers that porn was a bad thing. I decided to see for myself, and quickly discovered that while some of it was exploitative and a great deal didn't appeal to me, I was often turned on by seemingly happy women engaged in solo activities or in vanilla intercourse with men. Soon I branched out to erotic stories and to pictures of women that were not porn, but could nonetheless be quite hot. This included school sports teams, pool parties, and family blogs.
That is where I discovered that if I was already aroused and thinking sexual thoughts about a young teen girl, my eyes were sometimes drawn to her younger sisters in the same picture and I had to admit that contemplating them was even more erotically exciting. I then went exploring and found that erotic stories involving young girls were better than those involving women or teens, and family blog pictures of families with small girls were more interesting than bigger girls.
It didn't take long to realize that I was actually first and foremost a pedophile. Apparently my sexual interest was strong enough that it was plenty strong for young adult women while at the same time being even stronger for small girls. This was one answer to my mid-life question of whether there was more to life. I had discovered something new about myself. Thinking of small girls erotically was very rewarding.
One natural path from there might have been to seek out such girls for sexual partners. But this never occurred to me. I had been immersed in "all things girl" when my daughters were younger, and there was just no way sexual activity was ever going to be right for young girls. Combined with my self-control and a decent moral compass, that was just never an option. I rarely came across what looked like it might be a threshold to child pornography, but when I did I quickly backed away. Strong self-control and fear of legal consequences was plenty for that purpose.
This revelation fit neatly into my sense that thoughts and feeling could range widely and were not themselves moral or immoral, but only actions could be viewed that way. Since I was certain I would harm no girl, I was happy to enjoy my own private thoughts. I was totally lacking in the sort of guilt and shame that so many pedophiles seem to experience.
I of course knew not to admit this newfound attraction to anyone in my "real life", but I searched online. I tried my hand at writing erotic stories as well as reading them, and got involved in a loose online community of such authors. I also joined in online discussions of pedophilia more broadly. One group I made contact with were the "pro-contact" pedophiles, ones who thought the only obstacle to adult-child sex being a good thing was misguided laws and attitudes. I thought they were dangerously deluded and felt angry with them. I also of course found plenty of ordinary people who thought all pedophiles were horrible. I felt angry as I contemplated this injustice too. And both of these groups expressed anger at me and my middle position of "thoughts are OK, actions aren't". So when I found out that Nick Devin was planning to create Virtuous Pedophiles, I leapt at the opportunity to join him and soon became a co-founder of the organization. It was quickly confirmed that our middle position was anathema to both of those groups I had encountered: the anti-pedophile nons and the pro-contact pedophiles.
It was only then, at a fairly advanced stage of my evolving thoughts on the issue, that I became aware of how many pedophiles had been lurking in the shadows, silently sharing my basic opinions. The big surprise was how many of them felt anguish, guilt, and shame about their attractions, even when they were clear they wouldn't act on them.
I was heavily involved in Virtuous Pedophiles for a dozen years — having once again found a way to work for the benefit of others, notably the pedophiles who feel so much despair. Now, as I draw back, I can concentrate once more on the pleasure to be found in fantasizing sexually about small girls.
There are many downsides to getting older, but one benefit is that decisions have less weight. No longer will a choice of education, career, or partner have the prospect of leading to years of happiness if made well and despair if not.
How, in the end, should I think about my sexual fantasies about small girls?
Let me start with a parallel. I enjoy thinking of a society where everyone is good: generous, productive, honest, and fair-minded, for starters. Doesn't that sound nice? Actually creating such a world would require the removal of all the other people, a great many of whom fail to make the cut through no fault of their own. If they don't simply get killed, even relocating so many people against their will to a less pleasant place would be a terrible crime causing immense suffering. So it's just not going to happen. Yet still, I enjoy thinking about this utopia full of good people. It's a positive thought. A moral framework for all of humanity that is just and compassionate should view that as one tiny strand in the fabric of the good.
My thoughts and fantasies about small girls are positive: sweet and affectionate. If carried out in reality, they would likely cause great harm to the girls involved. Therefore, there is zero chance I will carry out any of them. Ultimately, I don't want to carry them out. But as the thoughts remain in my mind, they retain their positive character. Morality lies only in what we do, not what we think about privately. When people think thoughts that make them happy but harm no one else, those are good thoughts. I offer that as a vision other pedophiles might choose to strive for. | |
