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When did you choose your sexual and/or romantic attraction pattern? What alternatives did you consider? Did you take advice on it before you decided? Were you pleased with what you chose or did you later exchange it?
You know, these questions above... I don't think people ask them often enough.
Yes, yes, I know sexual feelings are embarrassing to talk about, and god knows that's even more the case for pedophiles. For us, they're not just embarrassing but kind of shaming.
But, when you think about it, we chose these feelings, so we have to own the decisions we took in the process of becoming pedophiles.
That's why I thought it would help to give a quick rundown of the reasons I personally selected pedophilia, and explain this question a bit for people who went with the other choices.
OK, so, yes, I know, I know this limits my mom's grandchild options. Like, in theory, not necessarily, but obviously if you're going to come out as a pedophile once you chose it, then yes, it is more awkward if you have a child.
But, the trouble was that that Thursday afternoon when I chose to be a pedophile, I had been really annoyed by my little brother. He kept taking my stuff and at that moment of decision, well, I just didn't really see myself sharing a house with a child in the future. So parenthood just wasn't really on my mind.
Of course, at that point, when I was 14, I had never had a sexual thought or idea in my life. How could I? Until you make a conscious choice of which sexuality you're going to have you don't have any sexual feelings. You can't because you have no sexuality. We all know this.
And that's awkward, obviously, because you can't for sure know how it will feel until you've made your choice, and by then it's too late.
Anyway, there I was sitting on the playground, turning over the options in my mind, and just finding myself trying to remember them all. If you actually read the information about what different people end up with, Jesus, it's actually complicated. Sex Ed doesn't really explain the whole range. It's kind of obvious which ones they expect you to take, because those are the ones they talk about. They don't mention pedophilia.
So, yes, obviously, you choose which gender or genders it's going to be. That part's easy, to be honest. I just don't get on with girls.
But then there's all these additional weird things you can add, like body shape and age and which parts you're going to be most interested in, and whether you have the add-ons about special clothes or needing to have certain music on. In the end it started to feel like an assignment, my vision started to blur and I was just cycling through the menus on a choosing-your-sexual-preference app I got from the internet, sometimes all the way to the bottom.
The thing is, OK, I know most people just tap on the defaults, like heterosexual, young adults, skip the kinks etc. but for me, I'm curious and maybe a bit cussed. If there's an option on the menu, then damn, why is it there unless someone somewhere picked it in the past?
And as they explained in sex ed, just because you choose one thing at first, it doesn't mean you can't just change it later by simply deciding again.
So hear me out: adults are boring. Even some of the younger ones. They don't believe in fun, they don't see the point in my music, they talk a lot about buying houses and, sorry, it's not my time for that.
So, at that moment, I chose pedophilia and became a pedophile.
I knew it would make me unpopular. I'm good with being unpopular. But I didn't realise how unpopular exactly. Still, I figured if I didn't tell anyone what my choice had been, I could just get on OK.
I did realise ahead of time that if I tried to get a sexual partner as a pedophile I would be jailed and probably murdered in jail. Possibly I could have factored that in a bit more when I made my choice, but you know what it's like when you're a teen. You'll do anything to be edgy.
The harder part to explain, I guess, is why I didn't just change my mind when I figured all this out.
Seems obvious, right? All I had to do was simply close my eyes, and decide really hard that instead of liking little boys in that way, I wanted to like adult women instead.
Don't ask me to explain why that logic just didn't change my mind. I honestly can't tell you.
I guess I just enjoy frustration, secrecy and the dread of discovery. It's turned my life into a fascinating game of deception.
When you think about it as a rational choice, who wouldn't make the same decision?
It's a no brainer, really.
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