| |
In my mid-twenties. I found VirPed. I read words that were my thoughts, and my experiences. And I cannot express how good that felt.
Charlie Keyes is a co-director of Virtuous Pedophiles. Blog posts reflect his personal views, and are not statements from the organisation.
For most of my childhood and adolescence I was a social kid. I had friends, and especially one extremely good friend who was with me through thick and thin, and still is. I tried to fit in with people, but there were few that liked me. I got bullied a lot through elementary and middle school.
Was I always different? It’s hard to tell. I had normal interests as a kid. I don’t think I was all that different until all my friends started talking about the older girls with dangly boobs. I guess a light came on for me when I realized that I had zero interest in what they were drooling over. Was I gay?
I wasn’t into older teen guys either, but I did have my eyes on the younger boys. It made sense early on, even though I hadn’t truly realized what I was, that I couldn’t really talk about my interests. And so, I dropped out of the conversations about sex.
In other articles I’ve talked about the despair of realizing my nature as a pedophile, but there are things accompanying that process of discovery on which light is rarely shed: lack of belonging; not truly relating to someone else; finding a community where people understand.
I had been lacking that for years, never really feeling like engaging in conversation, knowing how often the topic veered to topless girls or even shirtless men in the right company. I couldn’t relate to any of it. I knew that bringing up my ideal of a much younger shirtless boy, would cause an upstir bigger than I could handle.
And the years passed.
Connecting
I am lucky, because compared to a lot of people I found community quite young, in my mid-twenties. I found VirPed through the short-lived r/AskVirPed subreddit. I didn’t spend much time reading what was there. I headed straight for the website. I read words that were my thoughts, and my experiences. How could other people write about it so clearly? A sudden wave rushed over me, I was excited; I was shaking; I was oh so fragile.
I was also nervous, and I wanted to ask my therapist before I made a mistake, joining a forum for pedophiles. How could I know what was really hiding behind that website? My therapist’s office was in a different city and getting back home required a ferry. The conversation with her had made up my mind.
The parking floor on the ferry back had a few scattered empty cars and the lights were dim around me. A few minutes ago the cars had been filled with families, who were now up in the canteen, watching the view. I typed out an email to VirPed, and hit send. Time moved slowly.
Next morning the reply came. I was in.
Reacting
The first thing I did, upon gently crashlanding in the forum, was read. And I read, and I read, and I read some more. I read words from other people from the vast world out there who in that moment couldn’t feel any closer to me. Experiences and thoughts uttered by minds each unique, yet so remarkably similar. I was ecstatic. I wanted to take it all in. I kept reading.
The first post I felt compelled to reply to was called "Young people, this board belongs to you" And it talked about VirPed as a place belonging to the young people, like me, worried, ashamed and depressed, a place where we could shine. And that hit to me. I made my first clumsy, poorly worded reply. Hello, I said. As if speaking to someone in a two-way conversation. And perhaps that is what I felt. Because VirPed did speak to me.
I started replying to more posts. I had conversations with people about how we found this out about ourselves. I discussed in detail the first time I felt different, and how solitary the pedophile existence had made me feel. And people related to me. Not only could I relate to people, but people understood my words too. Every single reply felt like a physical tap on the shoulder, a hug with a comforting voice saying “Been there too man, I know how you feel” And I cannot express how good that felt.
Discussions often took place about the implications of societal stigma, and the internalization of that same hate. It felt so cathartic to air those grievances. The thoughts and feelings that had been bothering... nagging...— actually, let’s be real—tormenting, terrorizing, torturing me for so long, I could finally discuss with people.
Learning
I read memoirs of people’s first true loves, I read people’s experiences in relationships, I shared my own experience on that same topic; dating as an exclusive, and how it didn’t work out for me.
Not everything was about topics directly related to pedophilia. We had conversations about our everyday lives, about our other interests, about our jobs and passions. How some people made music, some people carved wood, some people were nurses and some worked in tech. We all lived multifaceted lives, spiced up by this thing called minor-attraction.
I had conversations with people about which features of children made them attractive to us. In the beginning, such conversation topics made me cringe, but then I realized it was necessary to let out things hidden deep inside me. Because of this I now have a much healthier relationship with my attraction, and I feel like a much safer person.
I think the band Shinedown unknowingly put it best. Not sure if they’d be proud of giving words to a pedophile’s community awakening, but hey, they have.
From their song, Symptom of Being Human:
Sometimes I'm in a room where I don't belong
And the house is on fire and there's no alarm
And the walls are melting too
How about you?
I've never been the favorite, thought I'd seen it all
'Til I got my invitation to the lunatic ball
And my friends are comin' too
How about you?
Don't worry, it's all just a symptom of being human
In a room I don’t belong is how I typically feel in normal gatherings, and the house being on fire with no alarm resembles the internal panic that arises in certain situations when with 'normal people'.
The lunatic ball is what I like to call VirPed, or other anti-contact communities. I got my invitation, and my friends are there too.
This is now the place where I belong, with the other freaks. Good freaks, and good friends.
|
|
