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You can be a happy and morally good person, and stay true to yourself, even with these attractions. One of the purposes of this blog is to provide a place for teenagers just discovering their attractions to better understand their desires and how to live with them. It's too easy to find the wrong role models, be they child molesters in the media or traders of child pornography online. For someone who's just discovering themselves, there's nowhere to turn, no one to talk to who can guide them through.
To all of you, I say welcome. I'll try my best to help. That's why this is my first blog post. And to everyone else, read along if you're interested to know what this attraction is like and how to live with it productively.
Let's get one thing out of the way first. Yes, it sucks to be a pedophile. Not everyone agrees, but it's not even close for me. You have to hide a part of yourself from the world. Probably from most of your friends, your family. You can't experience the kind of pleasure your body is programmed to seek out, especially if you're exclusively attracted to children. Society sends you constant, unrelenting messages about how you're a bad person.
It's true: if I could trade away my sexuality, I would. I'd take just about any other sexuality, including none at all. Unfortunately, that's not an option.
But here's the second part. There's a lot more to life than your sexuality. You can be a happy and morally good person, and stay true to yourself, even with your attractions. It's true that I would rather be born not a pedophile. I'd also rather be born wealthier, or smarter, or more beautiful, or fully abled, or whatever.
Being a pedophile does not define you. It doesn't.
Yes, there are unpleasant messages that society repeatedly sends you about yourself. They can amplify anxiety, depression, and more. They can make it hard to find friends, especially if it seems like all your friends want to talk about is their sex lives. (Which of course, they do - you're a teenager!) You have to hide your true desires from everyone, probably even your parents.
When I discovered I was a pedophile, I knew it was a big deal that would affect me deeply. But I also knew that there were so many things I loved. I loved science and math, reading, Star Trek and other science fiction... ok, I was a pretty big nerd. But I just said to myself, "well, ok. I'm a pedophile, but I'm also these other things. So let's focus on the other things." And y'know what? That made for a pretty good life for myself.
My own experience is mine alone; other people struggle more or have trouble finding those other interests. But if you're a young pedophile, my advice is: don't make your pedophilia be the totality of you. You're more than your sexuality. I'm not telling you to deny what you are, or pretend to yourself that you're straight. I'm sorry, you're not, and hiding from it doesn't help. What I'm telling you is not to get mired in it. Seek out friends. Find things you like. That might be school/career, it might be TV shows or video games, it might be a hobby. Volunteer and make the world better for others. Think about who you want to be, and be that person.
There are other paths you can follow too. Some people lean into their pedophilia, joining communities and making friends online. You can do that too, and for some it's the right way to be. (For me, I find mostly online friendships to be less fulfilling, and I like engaging with the world - but, again, that's me.)
So don't despair. You can have friends. You can have a good career. You can live a good and moral life and never offend against children.
You're not defined by this.
Now live your life.
About the author: After realizing my attraction at the age of 13, I began the journey of figuring out how to live a good life. When I eventually landed happily, I decided to share that journey with others. At first, I primarily wrote answers on Quora, which were viewed over a million times, liked thousands of times and led to numerous positive comments and discussions. I also started a blog, which was fortunate as a likely reporting campaign resulted in my Quora account being deleted, so much of my work remains online there. In addition to his writing (here and elsewhere), I enjoy board games, hiking, and spending time with friends. I have been part of the community for over a decade, seeking to do my part to make the world a better place.
You can find the original article, along with reader comments (and the opportunity to leave your own) at Leonard's blog. | |
