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When I started, I wanted that magic pill. I wanted the lobotomy that would pull this malignant sector of my brain out.
I am more than a year removed from my last serious issue regarding my attraction.
That moment I finally reached out for help was the scariest moment of my life, but I don’t regret it for a moment. I only regret I wasn’t able to do it sooner. It’s still scary sometimes. Even writing this, I feel fear, but I know that I am putting this out there to try to help someone who is at where I was at. I know the pain, I know the fear, I know the paranoia. I know the risks involved with seeking out help.
I faced those same risks. I suppose this is part of my personal journey, passing on what I have learned and giving encouragement to those still suffering and struggling. If my words can help just one person find help before it is too late, or to inspire one therapist to help someone who they otherwise wouldn’t, I think that will make this all feel like it had purpose.
I think in the scheme of things I got very, very lucky. I found kindness where I feared I would find nothing but judgment and condemnation. That being said, a minor-attracted person must always remember to exercise adequate caution when seeking out help. The resources on this website are the best place to start.
I met a sex therapist by referral from another therapist I had contacted from a list I obtained from a therapist-finder website. I was in a crisis-state. It had been a long period of time since my last issue, and I had felt that overall I had been doing much better. Looking back now and seeing I was able to do what I did despite that setback that sent me reeling, I think I was. I was finally at a place in my life where I had the time, financial resources, and independence from my family to do what needed to be done on my own terms without burdening them. That terrible night was the final straw.
Scared Straight
The first therapist I spoke to about the issue talked me down from my mental breakdown over the phone and brought me into his office free of charge on a Saturday when he was normally not seeing patients.
He listened, he offered me thoughtful feedback, and suggested that I attend some recovery groups. That first week, I went to one or two every night. I bought all of the books and read them cover to cover. I tried a little of everything. MAP-specific recovery, porn-addict recovery, all of the different relevant “Anonymous” groups. To be honest, that week scared me straight a bit. I heard the stories of a lot of people whose lives were falling apart, and yet some who were able to put themselves back together.
After that first terrifying week, I met my second therapist, who was a sex-therapist with an interest/specialty working with minor-attracted people. For a short period I was seeing two therapists at once, but I soon settled on the second therapist and stopped attending addiction recovery groups at his recommendation.
We had our hour-long sessions once a week along with group therapy which, in addition, was immensely helpful.
Just being able to talk openly with people who understood what I was going through was absolutely transformative. This was something I never thought I could let leave my mouth for fear of reprisal. We worked on healthy coping strategies, ethics and values, setting boundaries, changing my personal relationship to porn and masturbation, re-framing my thoughts, improving my self-care behaviors, setting achievable goals and challenges, along with a lot of really in-depth conversations about my sexual development and attitudes toward sex and sexuality.
No Magic Pill
I can’t really express how moved I was to meet therapists who were actually willing to listen, or at least give resources and encouragement. It was also encouraging to learn that there were people just like me who were also saddled with this circumstance. They nonetheless desired more strongly to do good and behave ethically, to be good and cooperative members of our society.
For a long time I felt hopeless, cursed, doomed. I had lost all faith and trust in myself. I felt like I had an incurable illness. I am amazed to say that I have arrived at some modicum of peace with this part of myself. I never thought I would in any way be able to accept, understand, and have a healthy, safe relationship with it.
When I started, I wanted that magic pill. I wanted the lobotomy that would pull this malignant sector of my brain out once and for all. I felt utterly defeated and burnt out with trying, but I was fed up with suffering. I was fed up with betraying my own trust. I entered a panic that gave me the energy I needed to do what needed to be done. I reached out, and now my life has changed and I have grown in ways I thought were simply inaccessible to me because I was built defectively as a person. It takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of really difficult conversations about really difficult things. It all felt like a big tangled knot that I was pulling apart strand by strand, but I dedicated myself to it and now it’s untangled. Commitment is essential. You need to secure your life by any means necessary.
Here's What I Learned
I can only share my own experience. We all have different immediate circumstances and starting conditions and you need to find what works for you. We all need to take adequate precautions to protect ourselves, because the world is hostile to us, but there is a glimmer of hope for the future. I can share some fairly general tips I hope might help:
- You are not your intrusive thoughts.
- You are not a monster. You are a flawed, imperfect human who makes mistakes and gets swept away by their emotions sometimes. You struggle and sometimes you fail. You want comfort, you want connection, you want love. This is true of everyone on this planet.
- Search yourself for things you know for certain to be true about yourself. Solid ground to stand on. Convictions, values, virtues, memories. Things you hold dear. You know yourself better than anyone else. You have insight that nobody else does. Do not let the world tell you who you are.
- Find the places your behavior has come out of line with those values. Correct those behaviors one by one. Set achievable goals. A small step forward is still a step in the right direction. Come into line with who you know yourself to be in your heart.
- You are not doomed. There is always hope, and life will always go on. But you need to seize the initiative as soon as possible.
- You do have power to make responsible decisions for yourself. If you are out of control, you need to grab the reins and hang on for dear life until it calms down, and it will calm down in time.
- You will need to leave some old baggage behind: things that might’ve once brought you comfort, things that will be difficult to let go of, but you will be lighter for it in the end.
- Our focus determines our perception of the world. If you become stuck on something and obsess over it, it will become your world and it will become harder to see things as they really are. The way you see things is not always the way they really are. A therapist can help you gain that perspective.
- The way we think about ourselves colors how we view others and how we think others think of us.
- Most people don’t think or care about you or your problems as much as you think they might.
- The solution to being burnt out on something (i.e. porn) is not to go looking for more and more. It is to back away. Rest and redirect.
- The perfect thing is not out there. You will never be fully satisfied, that is just the way things are. The answer to happiness is in no one place.
- If you eliminate the harmful behavior, the rest is fine. If it stays inside, it is fine. Thoughts are just thoughts.
- The goal should always be to do no harm.
- You need to be brutally and unflinchingly honest with yourself about your behavior. You need to look the problem directly in the eye to break the cycle.
- You need to acknowledge your weakness to find your strength.
- You are human. You are deserving of common decency and equal treatment, even if society doesn’t yet understand that or feel that way.
- A therapist can provide guidance and assistance, but only you can make the changes that will save you. Sometimes you just need to make yourself do the thing you’re most afraid of doing. Do it before you think yourself out of it.
- Intoxication is not medication. It is too dangerous. Dump it. Cultivate sobriety and clarity.
- Always check your intentions. Cultivate mindfulness. Ask yourself “What is it I’m really trying to do here?” “What purpose does this serve?” “Is this really worth the trouble it’s going to cause me?”. Identify when you are telling yourself lies. Always aim to be more honest with yourself. You are not in the business of telling yourself comfortable lies anymore.
- Cut away the fat of your life. Get rid of all things that don’t serve your purpose of growing stronger and better as a person. (E.g. Social media, intoxicants, etc.)
- It helps greatly to keep in mind something to fight for (family, friends, reputation, your job, your dignity, your values, your freedom, a vision of the future where you are free from worry)
- Do the work. Drag your ass if you have to. Just do it. Accept that you will be uncomfortable. You need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Sit with the discomfort, allow it to be there with you, but do what you need to do anyway.
You can be free. You can live a life you can be proud of. You can choose to be good.
Reach out for help if you are able. There are people out there who will show you kindness. | |
