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People need to know that someone they love is a pedophile. If you're considering coming out to someone, here are my tips for doing it well
I'm pretty passionate about coming out. I know it's risky, but it's important for a number of reasons. It puts a human face on the issue of pedophilia. Pedophiles aren't just some scary, shadowy perverts leering at children. They're your children, your siblings, your friends. People need to know that someone they love is a pedophile. Additionally, it helps us feel seen and known by the people who are important to us in our lives. These people can also be valuable supports to us, if the coming out is successful. Ultimately, we won't gain the widespread social acceptance that we want and need unless we are willing to risk much. It's going to suck for us, but hopefully we're paving a better future for MAPs to come.
If you're considering coming out to someone, here are my tips for doing it well:
1. Be the kind of person worthy of someone's trust
If your reputation isn't impeccable, maybe think harder about whether you really need to come out to anyone.
2. Know the person you're thinking about coming out to
You should have a deep (enough) connection with the person that you have a reasonable expectation that they will at least hear you out in good faith. Most (but not all) of the people l've come out to, l've known for at least a decade. Additionally, I've surrounded myself with intelligent, curious, open-minded, empathetic, kinky people. I recommend that you look for some of those traits in people you consider.
3. Trust your gut/consider carefully
This is two sides of the same coin. There are people in my life that come up in my head repeatedly when I think about coming out. People that I believe I could trust, and who would handle it well. That's my gut, and it's been mostly right. But the consider carefully part of it is the "repeatedly" part. I let myself ruminate on it for months before acting on it. If your gut is telling you that someone is trustworthy and you consider it for some time and it still seems like a good idea, move on the the next step.
4. Do the soft coming out first
I lost a friendship because I didn't do the soft come out first. This step is crucial, especially it you haven't known the person long enough or are a little uncertain about your feelings about the person, but I generally always recommend it. This is where you bring up the topic of minor attraction.
A very soft way of doing this is to mention an article, a podcast, a movie, a TV show, etc. This is not my favorite way of doing it. I prefer to make it a little more personal. Something like: "A friend I'm close to told me that they're minor attracted/a pedophile and I feel conflicted about it. What do you think I should do?" If you're a parent you can say "What do you think I should do as a parent? I really trust this person. I really believe them when they say they haven't done anything, but is it wise to trust a MAP?" This puts some distance between yourself and the subject matter, allowing you to speak more frankly about your pedophilia since it's all by proxy.
Many of us would have a difficult time telling someone "I'm a pedophile," but projecting all of the conversation onto a fictional third party allows you to do exactly that. This also primes the person to offer you sympathy rather than panic. You get a lot farther when they feel like they're supporting you rather than grappling with some very heavy news about you.
You can steer the conversation pretty well at this point. "I've been really concerned about this friend, so l've done some research/l've visited these sites/l've watched these videos/they say they're on a site called Virped or MSC/ what do you think about these things?" At this point you are interviewing them to decide if they're really a good candidate. You might even demonize your "friend" for being a MAP, or offer distressed conflicting feelings and see if they offer any defense against your rhetoric. If they do, that's a good sign.
5. The hard come out
So your soft come out went well. You're ready to say "That friend I was telling you about is me. I'm really sorry for lying about it, I hope you understand that I had to make sure you were someone I could trust." You might do this immediately following a good soft come out, or you might wait a few days weeks or even months. If the soft come out did go well, and you've gotten to this stage, the person should accept and understand why you had to do this.
At this point, I tell them a bit more about my personal journey with all of this. I hate having to do it, but I always ensure that I tell people I haven't done anything I shouldn't and I haven't seen anything I shouldn't. If you have ever used CSEM or have a contact offense in your history, you'll have to carefully weigh how you handle that in your come out. I would actually probably caution you not to come out in that case, but maybe you've got some awesome people in your life. I also explain to the person that I am anti-contact and that that means I am ethically opposed to adult-child contact even in jurisdictions where it might be legal. I also like to point out that I would be insane to come out to people about my pedophilia if my conduct wasn't above reproach as I am actively inviting people to scrutinize me. I'm clearly not trying to get away with anything.
Then, I invite them to ask me any questions they have about me. Generally many of their questions would hopefully have been covered in the soft come out. I also make it clear what my comfort level is in talking about it, and I ensure they know I will respect their comfort level. "I'm willing to talk about this more with you if you like, also, if you never ever want to talk about it, I understand that and we don't have to."
6. Enlist help
If you are involved with a therapist who is competent and knows about your attractions, or if you have previously come out to a person with a good reputation that you have found an ally in, it can be helpful to ask them to step in and allay any concerns that a new confidante may have. A therapist may lend the weight of their professional expertise, while a mutual friend may have strong rapport. I have actually come out to a mutual friend (that I was considering coming out to anyway) in order to help manage a poor coming out where my original friends didn't react well. The trust and respect that they had in my second friend was enough to help quell concerns, and the situation didn't blow up any further than the termination of the friendship.
7. The don'ts
- Don't come out out of desperation. If you're feeling pressure to act immediately, you need to delay yourself. Turn to online peer support and get a plan in place.
- Do not come out in text. I cannot emphasize this enough. Assume that anything you type can and will be screenshotted and used against you if it goes poorly. I don't like to come out over the phone either. I have done video calls before, but they aren't my favorite. What you want is to be able to see the other person's face to get a read on their emotions and for them to see yours so they can understand you better. If worst comes to worst and you need to protect yourself, you want to be in a position where you can deny or play it off as a miscommunication.
- Don't force it. If the timing isn't right, if the setting isn't right, if the person is sort of waddling during the soft come out...don't push it. There are other times, other places and people out there who can handle it.
8. Good fucking luck
If you choose to come out, I hope that these tips serve you well. You deserve to be able to talk about you—the real you, the way you are—and not have people judge you or hate you... but that won't always happen. If you come out enough, you will have a bad coming out. I am out to twenty-four people, and while only two of those didn't go well, every single one of them was a risk.
Remember: there is no safety in this—only assessing what level of risk you are comfortable engaging in. But if you come out, know that I am rooting for you—we all are—and you are doing a brave and noble thing.
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