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One life was lived as a heterosexual non-pedophile and the other as a bisexual pedophile. I didn’t want to just break it off with her, as I didn’t want to hurt her. So, we got married. Most of the other part of my life is relatively dull. I avoid any large social gatherings and would rather die than stand before a crowd and speak. Typing out my thoughts feels like having a one-on-one conversation with a trusted friend.
I was raised in a Christian home and attended church regularly. When I was seven, I got my first experience of sexual activity. My older male cousin began to sexually abuse me. While it didn't cause any physical injury, I am not sure the same can be said for mental injury.
When I was 8, I got myself baptized (because I felt the abuse was my fault and sinful). I tried to get my cousin to stop the abuse, saying "I am a Christian now". He said "it's OK: a lot of Christians do this". The abuse finally stopped when I was 9.
To this day, the musky smell of other men’s body odor reminds me of the years of abuse. I sometimes feel the need to gargle mouthwash because I can taste his member in my mouth.
Doubling Down
It may have influenced me in convincing two younger females in my extended family to expose ourselves to one another and touch each other’s privates. Both my sexual abuse and those activities went on for about a year.
I never told on my abuser when I was a young child and he never got caught. I did get caught touching one of the girls' private area when she was fully clothed and we were playing outside in her yard. It was brushed off as "kids being curious", with no one suspecting this activity could be the result of me being sexually abused.
Even after all this stopped, I would self-pleasure when alone. I didn’t know why, but it felt good.
Around age eleven, I started spending time with a 9-year-old male in my extended family. We both had video game systems in our bedrooms and would take turns going to each other’s house to play them. One day at my house, for reasons unknown, I felt the need to touch myself while he was focused on the video game.
I did it more than once, until one day he stopped coming over. I assumed it was because of my actions, so I didn’t press the issue.
I was never confronted by him or either of our parents. Self-reflection on this made me realize I could not do this again. Moving forward, all self-touching was done in private.
Double silence
Eleven was also the age that I skipped a class to confined in a school guidance counselor about my own sexual abuse. The was after the incidents with the 9-year-old family member.
The counselor’s only reply was "I’ll take this under advisement." No words of comfort were given nor alerting the authorities. My mother was told by someone from class that I skipped. With the feeling of emptiness from the guidance counselor session, I just accepted the punishment rather than tell her why I skipped class.
In the years following, I never again tried to stand up for myself. It laid the groundwork for the emotional wall I would hide behind for the remainder of my time in school.
Less worryingly, I had other young kids (boys and girls) that I would be around. I enjoyed slightly physical games typical of kids, such as tag or horseplay. The most enjoyable moment would be when one of these younger kids would end up sitting on my stomach or chest. There was never any inappropriate touching, but I did think about it later when alone.
I would never follow through with actually doing anything with these various kids. I knew it was wrong and I would be in trouble for doing it. I also did not want to pass along the mental trauma I had experienced from the sexual abuse I had experienced.
This continued as my life well into early adulthood. I knew that if I ever shared these feelings, I would be labeled a dirty pedophile. People would always look at me differently, as if I wanted to hurt their kids. It was a lonely feeling.
To compound the loneliness, and despite being attracted to adult females, I swore off trying to date anyone. I knew dating would lead to a serious romantic relationship and eventually marriage with kids. I had serious doubts that having kids was the best idea for me. All the kids in my life that I had attractions towards live in different homes. Having my own kids would mean having kids in my home every day. I feared my urges would rise and I would act on them with my own kids.
Fate had other plans.
Two Together
One day at work, a female friend/coworker approached me and said she had a friend that had seen me around and thought I was good looking. She wanted to introduce me to her. At first, I resisted. I told her I needed to think about it. When she again approached me a few weeks later, however, I felt I should keep up the appearance of a heterosexual, non-pedophile male.
She and I began talking. We would visit each other and watch TV or play cards. Eventually we began to go out on dates to restaurants and movie theaters. Romance began to grow. We would occasionally spend the night with each other. Some of these nights we would enjoy kissing and petting heavily. One of these nights, she asked if I wanted to take it all the way. I was nervous because I was still a virgin, but also felt this adult experience would be nice.
What I had feared was starting to come true. Our love was growing stronger, leading to serious thoughts of marriage. There was no way I could tell her my dark secret: that I was sexually attracted to kids. I knew she would immediately leave and expose my secret.
This was the first time I felt I was truly living a double life. One life was lived as a heterosexual non-pedophile and the other as a bisexual pedophile. I also didn’t want to just break it off with her, as I didn’t want to hurt her.
So, we got married.
I love my wife. She loves reading and regularly gets books from the public library. She has been a source of encouragement as I have worked on my degree.
Two More
After a year of marriage, she was "late". It was worrisome as she has epilepsy. We didn't know how her seizure medicine might affect a fetus. Sure enough, a test confirmed my fears: I was going to be a father.
I thought, this is it. I am about to face urges I can’t control. My wife swapped to a known safe seizure medication. Nine months later, a physically healthy baby was born. Holding this new little person, I felt nothing but fatherly love. A couple of years later, baby number two arrived.
Just as with our first, my fatherly love emerged. As these two grew, my parental love and protective instinct overrode any sexual desires. I never acted inappropriately with my kids and never imagined them when enjoying sexual pleasure. I would go to Hell and back for my kids. Some of my best memories are of when they fell asleep lying on my chest.
Shortly after the birth of our second child, my wife began having female medical issues. These prevented any further pregnancies. She was devastated. To reassure her my love had not faded, I suggested we start having a monthly date night. These date nights benefited us both. They refocused her away from the medical condition. They reignited the passion we once had when dating.
Twice shy
When our oldest was around 10, they were diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder. When I had grown up, evaluation for ASD was practically unheard of. After looking over the diagnosis criteria for my child, I could see most of them applied to me. I’ve never been officially evaluated or given a diagnosis of ASD.
Despite no diagnosis, I feel meeting most of the criteria is the main contributing factor to why I am an introvert at social gatherings and struggle with adult social interactions.
I immerse myself in the fantasy world of video games. I tend to play single-player games. I find online gaming with strangers uncomfortable as it most often requires speaking.
Despite no inappropriate feelings towards my own kids, I did have these feelings towards other young kids (boys and girls alike) that I saw in public and as part of my extended family. I would often think of them when self-pleasuring.
Every time I would finish, I felt disgusted with myself. I felt the world would be better if I weren’t in it. I never acted on thoughts of suicide because I knew I needed to support my family.
Two boys
Still, there were two boys over the years where I felt a closeness without inappropriate feelings.
The first had been removed from abusive home and taken in by my extended family. I guess my own childhood trauma made me feel more like a protector to him. He loved it when I visited. He looked up to me as if I were his big brother.
The second boy was one my adult sibling had watched since he was a baby. He wasn’t necessarily abused; however, he had no father figure and his mom loved to just go out and party. I got to see him quite often. Just like my own kids, he loved to be read to and often fell asleep on my chest. My love for him was like that for my own biological child.
Two Twenties
By 2020, I wanted to learn why I was sexually attracted to kids.
Searching the internet for information caused the paranoia of one day a knock on the door would come and my secret would be exposed. My research led to Prevention Project Dunkelfeld in Germany. I tried to see if something like this was available in the US, but learned quickly nothing was.
Most people like me didn’t seek out help because some mental health professionals take mandatory reporting laws to extremes. People who have never acted on their attractions can face persecution for having these feelings. I did not want that so I never sought help.
Towards the end of 2024, an article popped up on social media. It was about outrage over the term MAP. People were saying it was some new wording in an attempt to normalize pedophilia. The article also mentioned others saying this was a term used by non-offending pedophiles, not an attempt to normalize anything.
Their stance was that acting on pedophilic thoughts is morally wrong (regardless of legality). They had no desire to make acting on these urges legal. They just wanted to make a way for pedophiles to find resources to not offend (or stop if they were offending). More research led me to VirPed.
Using an anonymous email account, I nervously applied to join the forum. A couple of emails later, I was shown thePword and was creating my account on VirPed.
Two lives continue
I read story after story. I finally realized that some pedophiles were having an even more difficult time than me. Some had no attractions to adults or had sworn off the idea of dating for the same reasons I had once feared. I found a place that after decades, I could share my secret. I was not alone any more.
With my wife, the other life continues. We still enjoy date nights, even more now since we do not require a babysitter. Sometimes we go out to restaurants; however, most nights we snuggle in bed and stream a movie.
Most of the people in one half of my double life take the stance that 'the only good pedophile is a dead pedophile'. They demonize us just for having these thoughts. It doesn't matter to them that we do not want to act on them.
In the other half of my life—in VirPed—the feeling I am just a monster is starting to decline. I am beginning to accept that I am a MAP and there is nothing that will change this.
Maybe one day those around us will be more accepting of our struggle but until then the fear of their reaction keeps me living this double life. | |
