| |
I know I’m not one of you, and that it feels like I could never understand. But if you give me a chance, I’d like to try. My name’s Alex. I’m a Clinical Mental Health Counselor, and will be a fresh graduate with my master’s this December. I’m 29, live in a beautiful-yet-sparse state of Idaho, and am not a pedophile.
I was encouraged by one of the editors here at the p word to share aspects of my experience. I hope to express that while I do not understand your experiences half as well as I’d like, I am willing to try. That there are professionals who truly, deeply care about you and who are always itching for a chance to help.
Give me a chance to clear some of the fog about therapists
'Therapist' is not a protected term here in the USA. It’s a casual, catch-all term which includes mental health counselors, social workers, psychologists, marriage and family therapists, and others. I don’t say this to be pedantic, but rather to preface that anything I say about us therapists is a wide generalization (as is anything you might have heard someone say about therapists).
Much the same way I see a nurse practitioner and might refer to them as 'my doctor', 'my therapist' doesn’t capture the specifics.
So what can I tell you about therapists? Each one I’ve ever met cares about the people they work with. Each one I've ever met is flawed and will never provide flawless care. We are humans with the capacity for empathy as well as bias.
Unfortunately, bias against pedophiles is alive and well among us.
I’m sure far too many of you have fallen victim to such biases.
One I’ve often witnessed is the 'safety' bias, where a therapist sees you as a threat to others before they recognize you as anything else. This comes from a good place as so many biases do—"I just want to keep children safe!"—without taking account of the impact it has on the client in the room with them. It leaves the therapist feeling they have taken justified precautions while you as the pedophile might be left feeling that you’re a risk to society more than a human.
Working with pedophiles has allowed me to spot and address these biases, but no one on earth is completely unbiased. Our capacity for moral judgement and prejudice is demonstrated to exist even in infants. So, all that myself or any other therapist can offer is an honest attempt to take account and remove a bias. All I ask of anyone who works with one of us is to point out what you see, since introspection on our part can’t accomplish this alone.
I know a major concern is mandatory reporting and the foggy standards it seems to have. I’m not attempting to make this worse, but in the USA these standards vary state-by-state. Oftentimes, there are gaps in what they cover which leaves us therapists with the unfortunate reality of a mandate to breach confidentiality under specific circumstances… and such circumstances being less than fully specified in each locale.
I don’t want to recommend this, because I would love it if you would trust us. But I’m a practical man.
If you’re concerned about how well you can trust a therapist, ask: “What are and aren’t you mandated to report? Can you make such a report based on suspicion?” Ask as soon as you first meet with us, before explaining why. We will tell you the answers as best we understand them, and if we don’t that could be an ethics offense reportable to our respective licensing boards.
It’s far more difficult to find a provider who will accommodate it, but it may be possible to see a provider anonymously or under a guise. Outside of billing your insurance, there is no requirement you provide an accurate name, age, or address. You can use a burner number or email. No one can make a call that ruins your life if they don’t know who you are, so do what you find necessary to stay safe.
You hire a therapist; we work for you. Each time I meet with a new client I am reminded of this fact, as I interview them while also providing what is known as an informed consent. In other words, I explain what you can expect from me as I work for and with you. As this is the case, let me answer a few interview questions here that clients might ask me:
"What strengths do you bring to this position?"
I am practical, insightful, and driven. As such, I will excel at encouraging you to address an issue —say for example, anxiety—in an effective and efficient way. I will suggest new perspectives, actions, and insights which will reduce your anxiety quickly. As time passes, I’ll help you grapple with unexpected challenges in ways that seem almost too simple to work (until they do!) I will be driven to assist you achieve lasting change so one day you don’t need me anymore.
“What are your areas for growth and what is your plan to improve in that area?”
I am human, and therefore I am not good at everything. In particular I struggle with being comforting. I am happy to be a shoulder to cry on, but I just don’t have the knack for what to say when you’re crying. Some clients I’ve had express this as a positive, as I don’t “sound like a therapist,” but I’m aware of the deficit. I will show up for you when emotions are overwhelming, but I will not always have the right thing to say.
"If you could share one thing with other therapists, what would it be?"
It is an honor to serve people as a counselor, and as such our responsibility should never be taken lightly. I love that I touch lives everyday, to allow someone to feel understood when they never thought it possible. I also understand that with this comes gravity, that mediocrity is unacceptable, that lives hang in the balance. I know we can never achieve perfection but I also believe we can’t afford to settle.
I don’t believe in monsters.
It comes up so often that a pedophile who’s talking with me shares that they feel like a monster. And I always respond, “I don’t believe in monsters.” I am a practical man: I know people are capable of monstrous acts. I also know you are capable of strength and intelligence and kindness.
You’re not a monster. You’re a person. And my job is to care about people like you.
About the author: I'm a counselor, a board member at *ASAP, a teliophile, and a very cool (and obviously humble) guy. I got involved in the MAP world in 2019 (long story, ask me sometime). I live in Idaho (less potatoes than you'd expect) where I go hiking, play BG3 & MtG, and use parentheses (with reckless abandon).
Interested in contacting Alex? You can reach him via Element: @alexmcwilliams:matrix.org or email [email protected]
| |
