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I would estimate we heard from 180 women in this situation in the first six years of our existence. Ethan Edwards is the co-founder of Virtuous Pedophiles. Blog posts reflect his personal views, and are not statements from the organization. I made a post with this title on 6/10/2018. This is an update, two years later.
The Inbox of Virtuous Pedophiles gets email from a great many pedophiles, most of them expressing some level of distress. They are the people our organization is designed for.
We get email from another group of distressed people too: women who are partners of pedophiles. Based on my tagging of gmail conversations, I would estimate we heard from 180 such women in the first six years of our existence.
Often they discover images of young girls on a partner's phone or computer (sometimes legal, sometimes not). Other times the man chooses to reveal his attraction.
Pedophiles are at increased risk of committing a horrible crime: child sex abuse. They are also at high risk of committing another crime which most of society also considers horrible: accessing and viewing CP. These 180 women suggest another way that pedophiles can cause distress: by becoming lovers with women who only later find out they are pedophiles. Keep in mind that most pedophiles are non-exclusive, meaning they do have a significant attraction to adults.
The women often describe their pedophile partners, and patterns emerge. Often the man will deny that he uses the pictures for erotic purposes. Other times he will admit that he finds them arousing but doesn't consider himself a pedophile because he's not attracted to actual children, just the pictures. In the face of his partner's distress, a man will often promise to delete the pictures and never look for more, and he often doesn't keep that promise. Sometimes a man will indicate he doesn't really think it's any of his partner's business what pictures he looks at, but far more often he will express great remorse and self-hatred for what he has done. Mostly these men seem to be a bit deficient in self-awareness. Never has a woman reported a man saying, "Yeah, I knew I was a pedophile when we met, but I can't have a kid for a partner, and I hoped you'd never find out."
Even if you think celibate pedophiles aren't terrible people, it is tempting to condemn such men as having committed a grave moral offense for not revealing to their partner a very important fact about them early in the relationship. Many fellow pedophiles will condemn them. I think more compassion is warranted. A very interesting parallel case is gay men and lesbians who have gotten into long-term heterosexual relationships in times and places where homosexuality was fiercely condemned. The parallels are a sexuality that everyone else hates and that they are reluctant to embrace, and a hope that they really aren't that kind of person or that they can change. Some level of self-deception is usually involved. In recent times, you could fault gay men and lesbians more for this, because they know they have the option of moving to one of many urban centers where they would be accepted and can have a fulfilling sex life. Pedophiles have no such option.
The next question is what advice we at Virtuous Pedophiles can give these women.
An obvious possibility is to refer them to a therapist. I suspect it would be a rare therapist who would urge them to stay. Like others in society, a great many therapists think almost all pedophiles will molest children sooner or later. They and their colleagues will have heard of men who molested children or step-children, while any relationships where nothing bad happened will not come to their attention. Even if there are no children in the household, they would likely suggest the woman free herself from any association with a future criminal. Surely it's safer for them to recommend leaving, to avoid a tragic outcome. In comparison, the pain and disruption of ending a relationship will seem minor — when it is often not at all minor to the people in it. Therapists must also consider mandated reporting issues, if a woman reports having a pedophile partner — especially if there are any children in the family or nearby. Those mandated reporting issues in turn weigh heavily on us at Virtuous Pedophiles, we have to suggest extreme caution if such women seek therapy. We are stuck doing our best to give advice.
There are many members of Virtuous Pedophiles who have been married and successfully raised children without abusing them and have found it rewarding just as any other parents do. In some cases the partners never found out. In others, the men have been "outed" (voluntarily or not) and after some painful adjustment, the marriage survives and the children continue in an intact family without any abuse. We know that both scenarios can work out.
I suspect that many women who find their partner is a pedophile will never consider staying. They can freely write online about their horrible partner and get support and understanding. Others who aren't so sure what to do are largely invisible and can't get support in most of society. They are the ones who would write to an organization of pedophiles for advice.
From the woman's point of view, there are a variety of issues that arise.
A very common one is that these women, like most people in society, think pedophilic attractions are disgusting and evil. Reconsidering that is a major adjustment. Sometimes they get to the point of accepting it as a malady, but can't accept the idea that a man might actively fantasize about sex with children. Sometimes they accept such fantasizing occasionally as long as the man feels guilty and remorseful, but can't accept the idea the man might not think he is doing anything wrong.
The woman might also feel betrayed that he kept a secret from her. Keep in mind that he was likely confused and upset himself, and the limited options pedophiles have.
If your partner is accessing illegal CP, he potentially faces grave legal consequences. If you live together, you also face the potential trauma of a police raid, and you will likely lose your electronics too when the police seize his.
Women whose partners say they have engaged in child sex abuse are a different case, and we rarely hear from such women. The women who write to us believe no such abuse has happened — and I tend to believe them too. But they worry about the future as existing children get older and if having children with the man is a possibility. You should be aware of the Westermarck Effect, and the overwhelming experience of Virtuous Pedophiles parents that they felt no attraction whatsoever to their own children. But I certainly can't offer any guarantees. Having children with such a man requires keeping his secret, and it may involve some discomfort if he has any extended contact with his children's friends. Trusting him on behalf of your own children is one one thing, but trusting when someone else's children are conceivably at risk is a further step. If necessary it is usually possible to arrange things such that a father is not alone with other people's children.
If you can come to accept your man's pedophilia, you may earn his lasting gratitude, and in any case he will never "trade up" to a 10-year-old.
Such women sometimes report that their sex life is not satisfactory. This makes sense if the man's attraction to children is much stronger than to adults. Even if it has been satisfactory, she may feel upset knowing that she is second best and he finds children more attractive. My response: Most men will find the hottest actresses or models more attractive than the actual women they are involved with. Does it matter if for him the unavailable hotter people are children? While couples therapists encourage openness in most aspects of a relationship, many (most?) will not complain about either partner sexually fantasizing about other people — but suggest they keep it to themselves. But you need to decide whether the man's sexual interest is enough for you, and it's not likely to change for the better.
In evaluating whether a relationship with a pedophile might work out, I want to know the man's character. If he doesn't take responsibility for his actions and always blames other people for his failures, I take that as a negative sign. If you are afraid of the man or entirely submissive, that too is a negative sign. If the man actively considers and worries about whether he might abuse children, I take that as a positive sign, while his blithe confidence that there will be no problem is a negative sign.
I cannot promise that such a man will not abuse children in the future. However, most men have weaknesses, and celibate pedophilia could be considered as one among many and not akin to being a serial killer.
You must decide based on what works for you personally. I would never suggest you stay with a man because you feel sorry for him.
I'm not a professional and can't give professional advice. But I am convinced that professionals can't give unbiased advice either, and the danger of mandated reporting must also be considered. I have done my best based on my own life experience and many conversations with pedophiles and other women in the same position. Unfortunately, I rarely hear long-term follow-up reports from the women on how things turned out.
I welcome feedback from others about how my messages could be improved. I also welcome tips on where else such women could go for support.
I touched on these issues in two earlier blog posts, "To tell or not to tell? Pedophiles and marriage", and "Pedophilia and parenthood: a cautious yes".
They were written when Virtuous Pedophiles had been in existence for two years. Now we have been around for six years, my opinions haven't changed but I have refined them. (The original was written in 2018. I edited it in 2020 but the message is unchanged.)
This content was taken from Ethan's longstanding blog, Celibate Pedophiles. Some of the titles and taglines have been edited for their inclusion at thepword.
You can see an earlier version of the blog at the wayback machine. | |
