| | Azov Films was the creator and distributor of a series of films featuring pre teen and young teen boys with substantial nudity. They were sold openly on the clearnet and every film sold contained a trailer. The site included statements from lawyers certifying legality in Canada and the US. There were no adults in the films and they focused on sporting activity and such. They were never overtly sexual. That said, they were rather clearly marketed toward those with a child attraction.
Were children exploited in the making of these films? With hindsight, they may well have been. But they do signify the tightening of the definition of CP, CSAM or CSEM or one’s preferred term. The customer list got seized in Canada and was shared with police departments around the world. Many were charged in Canada and the US and elsewhere.
I received a six month sentence. US sentences were much longer. In mainland Europe, they were generally considered to have broken no laws. Was this a traumatizing experience in my life? Absolutely. Were children protected by going after the customer list worldwide? I’ll let people make their own conclusion. I’ll just say that no child has ever needed protection from me.
I had a quintuple bypass while I was out on bail. Many years later my kidneys started to fail. That is irreversible. I’ve been on dialysis for 2.5 years and had to stop travelling.
The two boys I sponsored in Guatemala City were then 10 and 12.
I was on two years' probation at the time. I was talking to a friend about why we weren’t doing vacations together any more. She said that she had been visiting kids that she sponsored through a charity, primarily in Central America, along with her mom who was also a close friend. I had never heard of such a thing.
So I asked her, well If I sponsored a couple of kids, could I join in on your visits? She said yes. So, I bounced it off my probation officer. There would always be a parent there and charity staff. Sponsors were never allowed to be alone with the kids. I was cool with that. So was the probation officer.
We visited kids in four different Guatemalan communities. I’ll never forget the first day. We visited a small rural Mayan community a couple of hours drive from Guatemala City. The family lived on a farm. I was completely overcome by the level of emotion we encountered. The charity’s community centre was plastered with painted signs from the kids welcoming my friends, including me.
The kids were crying when we got there, because we were late and they were afraid we weren’t coming. Simply put, I remember that as the best day of my life and the next few days just got better. I was basking in emotions that I just wasn’t used to. I quickly fell in love with A's family and also with D and his aunt. He was born with one arm. His mom met a man and dumped her kid. His aunt took him in. He was an amazing artist and drew dozens of pictures for me. I promised them I’d put him through art school.
I've made over 18,000 posts on the VirPed forum since 2015.
My whole world just made more sense and I focused quite a bit on helping others understand themselves as I worked to understand myself better. I’ve talked about self acceptance more than anything. We support each other, often because no one else will. People can be overwhelmed with so much negativity and criticism by society. It’s something that must be overcome because beating oneself up does very little to keep kids safe. By all means, maintain a concept of morality, don’t lose touch with the concept of informed consent, but don’t chase after perfection to the extent where you’ve lost your essence. There are a lot worse things than caring about children.
VirPed has a reputation on many other pedophile forums as a place where self-loathing pedophiles gather and share their anger and bitterness, mostly at themselves for being inadequate and potentially dangerous. The reputation is only accurate to the point that we do attract a lot of people who are self loathing. They are often driven by the fear that society is right and they represent a danger to kids, who they love. Sometimes they’re looking for the cause of their attraction, sometimes they’re seeking a cure, and sometimes they just want to understand how others cope with it all.
I tell VirPed users: "never let 'them' win".
Society 'wins' if people just accept the image presented to them. Ideally, VirPed members share their experiences and those who have learned to hate aspects of themselves start to be comfortable in their own skin. At that point, they can give back to others.
Child pornography laws are blurring so much that it can be near impossible to distinguish legal from illegal. It can put so pressure on MAPs. One might say, just avoid images but sometimes it’s all someone has and others may be somewhat addicted.
Pedophiles need to understand themselves. They need to understand the difference between a fantasy and an action. Self acceptance is vital. They might never understand how they got this way or be able to change their basic orientation, but they should be able to understand what they are or are not capable of and whether they are really a threat to children. It’s difficult to quote a reliably supported statistic, but I believe the vast majority are not.
Over the years, I’ve rebuilt my life completely around pedophiles that I’ve met online. That has formed my entire social life. Virtually every vacation for years has been with fellow pedophiles. I must have met 100 by now. I have learned. Some times it’s been learning to trust less and some times to trust more.
I sponsored many more kids and there were lots more trips.
The families didn’t have much but they were proud of what they had and wanted to show us. The child visits were always combined with vacation trips. We had a couple of trips planned with my friends and my brother. One to Guadalajara with a week in a resort in Puerto Vallarta and another to Guayaquil, Ecuador with a week in the Galapagos Islands.
A few days before leaving, I got a call from my contact with the charity, who said they received an anonymous call saying that I was a registered sex offender. It was clear that the call was from Canada Customs, because no one else had that information. I’d been searched coming back home before. The child visits took place without me and the kids were told I was sick and wasn’t allowed to fly.
Shortly after, all my sponsored kids were told that I wasn’t their sponsor any more. The only family I was able to stay in contact with was A’s. They had looked me up on social media. I tried to explain why I wasn’t their sponsor, but said I’d still be able to help them. We have become very close. A’s mom calls me dad. A had a baby when he was 18. I’m his honorary great grandfather and he was named after me. We have met several times.
I detest registries and feel they serve no purpose. If someone is deemed dangerous there are ample ways to monitor them. Registries are full of minors and seem to exist primarily to create a class of citizens to be looked down on and discriminated against. I’m on a registry for life. It’s silly, annoying and inconvenient. But for those on a public registry, it can be devastating.
In December 2024 I had a colonoscopy.
They found a mass that appeared to be colon cancer. The doctor said it would have to be removed, and scheduled a CT scan. There had been massive spread to the stomach lining, liver and possibly bones and it was inoperable. Chemotherapy was ruled out as a possible effective therapy as was immunotherapy.
I was referred to the Palliative Care team. I’m working with them on opioid pain meds and trying to be comfortable as much as possible. They are not giving me much hope of living past 2025, which is unfortunate because dying in 2025 is extremely tax inefficient. Once an accountant, always an accountant.
I’ve talked about my medical condition on VirPed and have been near overwhelmed by the level of support. It helps me cope.
I consider myself a child of the holocaust.
My parents survived the war in Europe and I lost three of four grandparents. The family moved to Canada right after I was born. I’ve learned to understand scapegoats. Have I felt discriminated in my life over Jewishness? I really haven’t. Have I felt discriminated against due to pedophilia? I have.
I feel so much for young MAPs getting an onslaught of hate from social media. I wasn’t an unhappy teenager. But there was no internet. I can’t even imagine getting exposed to that as a kid. I understand society’s desire to protect kids from exploitation that clearly occurs on sites like Instagram, but the internet is a great resource that can be used to inform and not frighten. It’s difficult enough to scapegoat adults. But at age 50, accessing the internet for the first time, I could handle it.
For the longest time, I didn’t let myself feel emotions.
I didn’t feel much of anything, so I didn’t hurt. Simon and Garfunkel’s I Am a Rock comes to mind. But when I started feeling emotion, I felt so much more human.
It's very difficult not to learn from experience. My judgment is much better than it was. I’ve condoned too much and too little.
Am I bitter as to how minor attraction has affected my life? I guess the simple answer is that minor attraction is my life. I didn’t ask for it, but it’s a key part of who I am. I don’t think that bitterness is productive. It can just make coping more difficult. So largely, I’ve moved on. I am empathetic with both those whose lives have been damaged through childhood abuse as well as those hurt by the constant redefinition of what constitutes an illegal image and increasingly draconian penalties for possession.
Can self loathing become a self fulfilling prophecy? It can. VirPed members tend to believe in self acceptance and that while attractions probably can’t be altered, actions can be controlled. If self-acceptance for pedophiles leads to better self-awarenes and control, who wins? Ultimately, I think everyone does. | |
