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The god’s honest truth of the matter is, hearing those types of things makes me feel nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. “You’re a monster. You’re a piece of shit. You’re a danger to children and society. You’re inherently evil. You’re the lowest form of scum on Earth. You deserve to die painfully.” Etc, etc, etc...
Any of us who’ve been putting ourselves out there as pedophiles for any amount of time have probably heard these types of these things hurled at us more times than we can likely count. I know I have for certain. I’ve been called every degrading name in the book, been told that I’m worse than a murderer, had death curses wished upon me, you name it.
At least a time or two over the years, I’ve had persons more sympathetic to my plight ask me how hearing those types of things makes me feel. The god’s honest truth of the matter is, hearing those types of things makes me feel nothing. Absolutely nothing at all.
The reason the types of insults and curses mentioned above fail to stir so much as a shred of anger, hurt or frustration from within me, is that they have only ever come from nameless, faceless attackers who do not know me and who are speaking from a position of complete and total ignorance. Their words are like a blank shell in a gun. They may make a lot of noise but there is no bullet inside. Much like a gun firing blanks, their empty, noisy words have no ability to harm.
While I am not completely out of the closet as a pedophile, (some like to say out of the toybox), I am out to a good number of people in my real life. Because all of them liked me and knew I was a good guy before I came out to them, they all still feel the same way now. None of them think I’m a monster or any of those other things. That’s good, because their opinions actually matter to me.
Perhaps even more important to me would be the opinions of the people who I knew as children and the opinions of any children I know currently. I am 42 years old, and I have a number of very close friends who are in their early to late 20’s who I also knew and spent time with when they were children and I was a younger man. Some of them I babysat for, others I met through other means. A couple of these people have told me that I was like a second father to them. Some of them now have children of their own who they now trust me with implicitly and their children love me. (GASP!) No, I haven’t told any of these people I’m a pedophile because I’m not sure how that would impact them, but they definitely don’t think I’m a monster, a piece of shit, or what have you, and I’m confident they would defend me adamantly if someone suggested that I was.
So, none of the people in my real life who know I’m a pedo, none of the people I was involved with when they were children, and none of the children I currently know think any of the aforementioned negative things about me, and none of them ever will. Their opinions on the matter are the only ones I value, because theirs are the only ones that are even remotely important or relevant to me. If one of them ever decided, for any reason, that I am a monster, a piece of shit, etc, it would cut me to the bone, but they all love me, so it’s cool.
In summation, if you are someone I love and care about and you have some kind of negative value judgement regarding the type of human being I am, yes, I would take that deeply to heart. If you’re some anonymous troll or pedo hunter/hater, feel free to sling all the hate, insults and curses my way you like. Just know that if your intention is to wound me, you’re wasting your time, because you don’t know me, you don’t understand or really know anything about pedophilia, and your opinion is therefore about as valuable to me as a pile of dry, moldy dog shit.
To be honest, if anything, I feed off that type of hate and negativity. I absorb it and use the nourishing energy from it to get bigger and stronger, like the blob. | |
