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An open letter to my family, friends and community in the event that I am doxxed, outed, or choose to out myself. At present none of those things have happened, but if that happens, I will attach my real name to this piece. It's true that I am. And I am sorry.
What I couldn’t say (until now)
I'm sorry you had to find out like this. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you personally. I'm sorry that I had to fear your reaction. That I had to fear the backlash that would affect me, and you also. I'm sorry you have to weigh the choice between your friend and your social standing, maybe your livelihood. I'm sorry that you have to make that decision. And I'm sorry that for me the choice was to hide myself behind a mask, or let the mask down and risk all this. The rules demand my silence or your disgust. I won’t obey those rules. Will you?
Even now, many of you are quietly withdrawing, unfriending me, blocking me. Some of you because you hate me now, some of you out of self-interest. To protect yourself, your business, your brand. Some of you aren't sure what you feel, and you think cutting me off is just "the right thing to do." I get it. I understand. I'm sorry you have to reckon with this.
I am sorry that some of you will find it problematic to be my friend or to support me, not because I have done anything wrong, but because I have had the courage to name who and what I am, and you find that thing disgusting or fearful. I am sorry some of you will feel I have deceived you, or will feel I am not the person you thought you knew; I assure you, I am the very same person. Nothing has changed. I wanted to tell you sooner. I am sorry I couldn't.
You think you know what this means
I'm sorry that the word pedophile only conjures monsters—the predators on the evening news, the mugshots, the sentencing reports. I know that this fuels your fears and is the foundation for why you're reacting with pain and fear and alarm. I’m sorry you’ve never been allowed to imagine someone like me: a person who has never touched a child, never consumed abuse material, never acted on these feelings, and never will. Statistically, if you know one hundred people, you know about three other people like me. A friend, a parent, a sibling — maybe even your own child. Maybe it’s you. These people also struggle silently and invisibly. They are watching now to see how this plays out.
I am sorry that they have to see the negative comments, and the people publicly disavowing me. The credible calls for violence and the death threats that I know are coming. I am sorry that they have to worry if it will happen to them someday. Even now, I am stepping back from groups I have helped to found and grow, not because I am ashamed of who I am or because of any wrongdoing on my part, but because my identity is inherently radioactive and I don't want to see them go down in the fallout. I'm sorry that the only way I have to shield them is to leave.
And I'm sorry for all the years that I, and those others like me, have had to wither under the weight of silence and anxiety. That, like you, I have had no narrative for the kind of person that I am apart from a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and destroy the life of some child or another. I am sorry that I have to tell you that I have never had sexual contact with a child, nor used CSAM. It's not that I regret not acting in these ways; I'm sorry because you will want to know, will need to know. You will not assume that I have been upstanding. I am sorry that some of you will not believe me.
The radioactive man
Even though when I tell you I am gay (which is also true), you will not need me to tell you that I have never raped a man. You would never assume that I had because you know me, and you see how I conduct myself. But in this case, you will want a statement of innocence. And proof. Here, even those who’ve known me for years will doubt. I understand that this is the case, and even why it is the case, but I am sorry for the trust we’ve lost.
I am sorry some of you will think I am trying to invalidate, subvert, or co-opt the LGBTQ movement. Being gay does not nullify my pedophilia, and being a pedophile does not negate my gay identity. I am and always will be queer. It hurts me to see this part of myself weaponized against other groups: that conservatives use it to smear LGBTQ people, while progressives brand it proof of religious rot. We are not a monolith. I know pedophiles of every demographic. We are among every race, religion, and creed. I am sorry that you try to hurt each other with what I am.
I am sorry for my children. I am sorry that they will have to endure questions about my relationship with them. I am sorry that people who know about me will ask if they, also, are pedophiles. I am sorry that, though I have never interacted inappropriately with any child, including my own, your prodding will make them think back and wonder what if…? I am sorry that some of you may call Child Services, for the trauma inflicted “just in case”—diverting resources from actual victims while teaching my kids their father is a threat. I understand why you may do these things. And I am not sure that I can forgive you. And I am sorry.
Not an apology
I do not apologize for being a pedophile. I had no choice about it. For decades, I would have sawn off a limb in order to cure myself. For twenty years I held suicide close to my heart because I thought that what I am was worthy only of shame and condemnation. Today, you could not pay me to get rid of it, if that were even possible.
I am proud of myself; and I have a lot to be proud of: though I grew up in a society that taught me I was doomed to offend, I never offended. Though I grew up in a society that taught me I would be better off dead, I am alive. I am more alive than I have ever been. Though I grew up in a society that taught me that if I must exist, I do not deserve and should never feel happiness, I am. I am happy with who I am. I love myself, and I love my pedophilia. It has given me perspective, an open mind, and a deep empathy for all the people that society others. I regret nothing. I am lucky to be a pedophile. I am a better person for being a pedophile.
And I am sorry that you may not be able to see that. | |
