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Pedophilia is almost unique in that it is widely seen more as a moral failing than a medical condition, which renders treatment pointless and detection/punishment as the default societal response It's sort of like winning the lottery. Not the Powerball kind, more like the Shirley Jackson story. You know the one where the person who draws the black "x" and gets stoned.
That is what it can feel like when you realize the p word applies to you.
No one enjoys chronic medical conditions. Few people celebrate their ulcerative colitis or their type I diabetes. Some children are born with very handicapping conditions such as Down’s Syndrome or other severe congenital issues. These can be very challenging, often requiring the resources of an entire family or community to achieve a good outcome. But no sane person blames the afflicted for possessing the condition in the first place.
Except for pedophilia. Pedophilia is almost unique in that it is widely seen more as a moral failing than a medical condition, which renders treatment pointless and detection/punishment as the default societal response to our existence.
This may sound hopelessly maudlin, which I do not intend. There are tremendous spiritual gifts which are available to the minor attracted, when we value them, and know where to find them.
The mask
But first we put on the mask. Virtually all sexual minorities know what it is like to wear a mask, but few adhere as tightly as ours. Being inauthentic with ourselves and others is at the heart of the burden we carry
No one can know. No one wants to know. What people think of us is not subtle. What we think of ourselves is often similar. No one will ever say crueler things to me about my attraction than I have said, repeatedly, to myself.
There is a reddit subthread called “not a drag queen” that I compulsively monitor. The title lampoons the idea that “drag queens” reading books to children are more likely to be predatory than the “normal” folks all around, the ones with the masks, like the one I wore so long. The one I swore I would die wearing.
It is full of stories about coaches, doctors, and youth pastors who have committed sexual crimes against children, none of whom were “drag queens.” If reddit had existed fifteen years ago as a child psychiatrist arrested for possession of child pornography, I am certain I would have merited my own thread.
A crime of self-deception
I know that through my crime, I hurt children. It was not a mistake. It was an inevitable consequence of selfishly and recklessly courting lust while deceiving myself in the invulnerability of my mask. The mask of being a good, heterosexual guy who just wanted to help, nothing more, nothing less.
So, when I read the headlines about the cop sexting 14-year-olds, the pastor who sexually assaulted a parishioner, or the “Utah psychologist who wrote a book about breaking porn addictions charged with multiple accounts of child exploitation,” I have complicated feelings. I truly do feel awful for the victims, seduced by someone they thought they could trust. But I also know that I was once one of those people you thought you could trust, and I know how it feels to realize there are some things you can never apologize for, some things no amends will ever atone for, at least in this lifetime.
Yes, I have empathy for the offenders. You can have empathy for both offenders and victims; one does not detract from the other. I know what it feels like to have your carefully curated mask ripped off your face, instantaneously exposed to the withering gaze of sunlight and judgement. And I know how important that mask is, not just to the one who possesses it, but to the society that demands it.
A new generation, less lost
Ours is the first generation of minor attracted persons where there are online resources to assist the young MAP, the non-offending MAP. No one must be isolated and alone in their pain and distress. There is no cure for our condition, knowing many of us have more equanimity about it than I do, and can see it as more as a stable orientation, and less of a disorder. They probably also have a more intact mask.
I cannot recommend voluntarily and publicly removing the mask. It is just too painful for you, and too painful for those who love you. But I hope the young MAP finds someone they can be totally authentic with, whether a friend, relative, counselor, or clergyperson. If we cannot be authentic with one other person, how can we be authentic with ourselves, how can we be authentic with our creator? Otherwise, we only live with the false self of whom Thomas Merton says “this is the man I want myself to be but who cannot exist, because God does not know anything about him. And to be unknown of God is altogether too much privacy.” (New Seeds of Contemplation)
Therein lies the spiritual gift. Who am I to judge others for their masks and self-deceits, when I was in their shoes for so long. I know of very few people who take the mask off voluntarily. Most of us do it because we have no choice, because our wife found our search results, our or Instagram pictures, or because we are featured in r/notadragqueen.
The pearl that floats to the bottom
The old me loved judging others, projecting my sins on others without personal acknowledgment. That no longer works. It is the gift of immeasurable price proffered to those on the bottom of the ladder of morality.
The goal of life does not appear to be sainthood. For most of us that is too high a bar. But in being authentic with our struggles, particularly with those who share those struggles, we mutually support ourselves in our quest for a dignified world, better for us, and better for children. It is preferable to be honest and broken than it is to double-down on denial.
A very good lesson to learn, so easily lost in a world that values image management more than it values an honest acceptance of our universally flawed natures. Our pearl of great price.
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