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I decided, with every factor in play, that above all, I was going to be a damned good parent Charlie Keyes is a co-director of Virtuous Pedophiles. Blog posts reflect his personal views, and are not statements from the organisation. A big decision always depends on many things, not just one. But sometimes, one thing takes precedence over another. This is true of my child.
When I was in my late teens, in the wake of realizing my pedophilia, I was distraught, foggy-headed, depressed and suicidal.
I was in high school and contrary to my feelings of self-doubt, I was someone people liked being with. A girl I knew and was friends with, asked me to be her boyfriend. I hadn’t experienced any attraction to or feelings towards adults. It should have been an easy no, right?
Yet, I said yes.
Out of confusion, a life
Four years from that exact date, she told me she was pregnant. I was in my earliest twenties. I wasn’t prepared for parenthood, and especially not while secretly being a pedophile. What if the child were a boy and I ended up being attracted to him?
I took some time to think about it and I realized a few things. I felt that it gave me a purpose, a meaning to life. I was excited about it, I had giddy feelings, while also being very, very nervous. I had control of my life, of my actions. I decided, with every factor in play, that above all, I was going to be a damned good parent.
We travelled in the middle of the night, passing streetlights and a rare other car. We had been in the hospital earlier that day thinking the moment had come, but were told that it was still too early for labour. We were sure now. The car pulled up and we were quickly admitted to the natal ward.
Nine hours and thirty minutes later, I was dad to a beautiful baby boy. Hours later, mom was sleeping, and I was standing by the window, my son swaddled in my arms.
I was telling him about all the family he was going to meet and love. Those moments, looking into those amazing, blue eyes, I knew I was never ever going to hurt him. I was never going to let anyone else hurt him.
I rolled him around the birth ward in the little see-through plastic stroller they have at the hospitals. People and nurses were commenting on how much I was shining as I walked past them—shining with pure joy.
Such love and anxiety
They say that time flies when you’re a parent and nothing is truer. One minute you have a baby and the next you have a toddler. I was busy, I was studying, I was working, and I had my child.
For the first time since I was in my teens, my pedophilia had taken a backseat. I didn’t think about it all that much. I was loving parenting and all that came with it. I didn’t love the relationship I was in though. It was weighing heavy that I wasn’t in love with her.
My son was about two when my worries started coming back. He was turning into a beautiful boy. But did I think he was beautiful because I’m his parent or because I’m a pedophile? The thoughts were nagging, intrusive and I felt that they didn’t hold any substance, but they did mess with my head.
Situations of intimate care began to make me anxious. At one point, he had an infection on his privates; part of the routine involved rubbing cream on the infected area. Was I doing this because I liked it, or because he needed it? Was I doing it a certain way because I’m a pedophile, or because it’s what any parent would do?
I knew the answers to those questions: I did it because he needed it and it's what any parent would do for their child in that situation, but I sometimes struggled to keep doubts in proportion. A few times I excused myself from the task. It did get better; I managed to understand that I was only doing what any parent would do.
I realised that while the doubts I had were perhaps not the same as any parent would have, they had the same character as the doubts of a new, inexperienced parent—a strong fear of getting anything wrong with this vulnerable human being I was in charge of. The knowledge that the child in front of you is completely dependent on you can certainly give doubts about the best action.
Growing confidence but never overconfidence
My son grew older, and my confidence in my parenting skills grew stronger. We were playing, climbing, bicycling, swimming, hiking and everything I wanted from parenthood.
I can also say that at this point he is well into my age of attraction, but I am not attracted to him. I love him paternally. I can say he is beautiful, adorable, even handsome. The Westermarck Effect is a hypothetical psychological trait that leaves you less inclined to be attracted to any individual you have grown up with or nurtured and the Westermarck Effect seems to work in my case.
My relationship with his mother, was unfortunately less good: in fact it was unhealthy. We were arguing constantly and never seemed to be able stop it. I suspect a lot of it had to do with my inability to initiate sexual or romantic contact with her. In the end we separated and split custody 50/50.
After my son started school, he found friends that he wanted to be with, which is something I am extremely happy about. To see the dynamic between my growing boy and his friends, finding himself and expressing himself, is something I get almost euphoric about. What I want the most is that he is happy, and I can tell that with friends, he is.
It's hard to admit it, but here lies one of the other overlaps between being a parent and a pedophile. His friends can be attractive to me. However, as the years have passed, and I discovered VirPed while my son was still a toddler, I learned to deal with that well. It doesn’t bother me that I find his friends attractive because I will never do anything about it and they will never know.
How he will be
The future remains a canvas only partly filled in. I have a job, my son is in elementary school and other parts of my life are slowly falling into place. I don’t think the dynamic between my son and me will change in any way. Even if I never stopped completely worrying about the situations where parenting overlaps with pedophilia, those situations lessen day by day—and in any case it's good to be aware and never in denial. He bathes himself, and it probably won’t be long until his natural modesty kicks in.
I am still attracted to his friends, but I am confident in myself that I will still be able to deal with that. It will be the same if I ever get a grandson.
For my son, I hope that I’ve been enough of a positive influence on him so that he can grow up to be a confident, outgoing, mentally strong and capable person. I am proud of my own resilient and robust character, and I hope that he can inherit that from me. He already has a lot of nurturing and care for others and I hope he keeps that. I hope that he’ll want me to be there to help him as life goes on. At least I’ll try to make sure that he knows I’ll always be there. No matter what.
The most difficult conversation
Now, a hypothetical. Could I ever come out to my son in the future? It has been weighing on my mind from time to time whether that is a good idea or not. Obviously it couldn't be considered until he is at least 18. Perhaps the positive in it is that it could strengthen an already close father and son relationship. It could help him see that he can tell me everything, especially if pedophilia is something that he struggles with too, though statistically this may be unlikely.
It could help me get it even more off my chest, not hiding that secret from him. I also find it a potentially positive thing that more and more pedophiles might in future come out to loved ones to show that there are many of us who never offend.
However, there are many negatives too. It could destroy our bond. It could make him unsure or even anxious about there being something that happened in his childhood that he doesn’t remember. It could elicit disgust, knowing that his father was potentially attracted to him and his friends when they were young. This is not a hypothetical that I am able to answer at this point.
The takeaway
At this moment, this is what I know: I am a parent of a young child, and good at it. I am also a pedophile, a non-offending one.
Those two things clash, there’s no denying it. But a balance must be struck for it to be worked out and I do think I’ve found that balance in my life. I had many worries, and I feel they’ve mostly resolved.
I was never at any point close to hurting him and I am forever grateful for that. If I ever had been close, I would have instantly taken myself far away from that situation. I love my son to the moon and back and that will never change. I will never regret bringing him into this world, however much I regret my relationship with his mom.
The other important takeaway is that my son is happy. He shows it everyday to both his mom and me. He is comfortable and happy and he is a child just like every other child. And he will always be allowed to be exactly who he wants to be.
I still have one question I’d like to ask myself. Does having a child in some way interact with aspects of my pedophilia? I guess I must say yes in that some of the feelings overlap. Not sexually, not romantically, but emotionally. Having a boy, even if he is my son, sitting close to me on the couch while watching TV does give me a deep satisfaction that I am not sure I can only label as paternal. It fulfills an emotional need to be close to a boy.
But, I think dads all over the world feel those needs. I don't think they're any less authentic in me. | |
