experiences

latest: dec 2023 to may 2025


			23 May 2025 poem: winter visit, 1994 benjamin harker I didn’t sleep and, trapped in January 1994 in Stepney, in a single Victorian room, / I reached for a timetable

			21 May 2025 poem: mole, 1991 benjamin harker a dark poem from a dark place

			20 May 2025 not a question of guilt iceground At 11, I left the countryside for a big city in Columbia. One day, a 20 year old man gained my trust after a long time talking. He had a network of child exploitation and I fell into it.

			19 May 2025 poem: a salesman, 1991 benjamin harker Life's a banquet, his son had to beam, / and most sons of bitches are starving.

			17 May 2025 poem: van de graaff, 1990 benjamin harker At height on a plastic box, / feet off earth, your hand / spanned that chromy globe

			15 May 2025 poem: fleisch, 1989 benjamin harker One day in German, blond arrogant boy, / you engaged me unexpectedly. / Before too long I punched your nose,

			13 May 2025 poem: a theft, 1988 benjamin harker It was only a stolen kiss, / on the cheek, snaffled by darting in / over your shoulder, during registration, / while you talked to your friend,

			11 May 2025 poem: ants, 1986 benjamin harker There was something familiar / about the way you milled, accelerated / when that little playground rock / was first upturned

			9 May 2025 poem: adored benjamin harker A poem to a life love

			7 May 2025 poem: brian, 1981 benjamin harker Brian had something / I did not / a lump

			6 May 2025 on mary oliver's wild geese james peak Unrequited love, impossible love, stupid, foolish love. My heart is broken, but so is the poet’s.

			5 May 2025 poem: little knot, 1983 benjamin harker Three fingers are the promises, Akela said, taking a finger of his own and swirling it around the circle of my thumb and little finger

			4 May 2025 two way mirror: pedophiles coming out to one another bly Two people simultaneously and silently ask, I'm one of the good ones, but are you?

			3 May 2025 poem: earliest memory, 1977 benjamin harker I only have as negatives / yellow/navy baby reins

			2 May 2025 nitro in person py He dropped me off at the airport one last time, and he hugged me again. He wasn't crying this time. Instead, he mentioned that it may not be the last time he'd see me. But it was.

			1 May 2025 poem: glass door, 1983 benjamin harker And I, a head full of bricks, swung thoughtless / around the top post, through the gap, crashed / through the surface of that great, glass, perpendicular sea.

			30 April 2025 in april, i open my bill benjamin harker Paedophiles do not pursue the lives of cuckoos purposefully. We begin loved and welcomed. We are babies, then children and we grow up alongside you.

			22 April 2025 lawful good: writing a nomap character tom jones As I wrote the scenes where his attractions are revealed, it was my own coming out story all over again.

			15 April 2025 nitro's final thoughts nitro I am a pedophile. I've made over 18,000 posts on the VirPed forum since 2015. I am dying.

			8 April 2025 mouse trapped: i was channel 4's masked pedophile anonymous In 2023, I appeared anonymously with a Channel 4 panel talking about my sexual attraction to children. It's clear we don't yet know how to have this conversation.

			25 March 2025 life is not a decision: a pedophile parent charlie keyes I decided, with every factor in play, that above all, I was going to be a damned good parent

			18 March 2025 caught between two stigmas markus I was sexually abused as a child. I am also sexually attracted to children. I wanted support for abuse survivors but was turned down. So where do people like me go?

			11 March 2025 i didn't figure out i was a pedophile until my 50s ethan edwards Looking back, it was there from puberty, but I was interpreting it as the fondness many adults feel for children.

			25 February 2025 the night i said the p word rakkaus keksit I’d agreed to meet my long-time friend one last time before I left. I hadn’t taken into account hash or female intuition.

			14 January 2025 a tale of two therapists sammy jenkis I was desperate to talk about this with someone. Could I risk it a second time?

			7 January 2025 at peace with my pedophilia ethan edwards Since I sought with passion the sort of partner that society approved of, there was little impetus to look at whether I had any other attractions.

			1 January 2025 poem: coming out day brandon goletzski i want to take my clothes off in front of you / then my skin too / toss it aside rumpled & empty

			14 November 2024 a note on the costs of self-hatred leonard johnston Empathy is important, especially for those who are most hated - even by me.

			16 June 2024 an obituary for a gay man leonard johnston I don't think of myself as gay. Their vibrant culture is not mine. And yet, their stories are my stories.

			17 December 2023 reflections, learnings, and critiques on an amazing pedophilia study leonard johnston Aella's survey found thousands of people with a sexual interest in kids. How should we interpret this?

23 May 2025

poem: winter visit, 1994
benjamin harker

I didn’t sleep and, trapped in January 1994 in Stepney, in a single Victorian room, / I reached for a timetable

21 May 2025

poem: mole, 1991
benjamin harker

a dark poem from a dark place

20 May 2025

not a question of guilt
iceground

At 11, I left the countryside for a big city in Columbia. One day, a 20 year old man gained my trust after a long time talking. He had a network of child exploitation and I fell into it.

19 May 2025

poem: a salesman, 1991
benjamin harker

Life's a banquet, his son had to beam, / and most sons of bitches are starving.

17 May 2025

poem: van de graaff, 1990
benjamin harker

At height on a plastic box, / feet off earth, your hand / spanned that chromy globe

15 May 2025

poem: fleisch, 1989
benjamin harker

One day in German, blond arrogant boy, / you engaged me unexpectedly. / Before too long I punched your nose,

13 May 2025

poem: a theft, 1988
benjamin harker

It was only a stolen kiss, / on the cheek, snaffled by darting in / over your shoulder, during registration, / while you talked to your friend,

11 May 2025

poem: ants, 1986
benjamin harker

There was something familiar / about the way you milled, accelerated / when that little playground rock / was first upturned

9 May 2025

poem: adored
benjamin harker

A poem to a life love

7 May 2025

poem: brian, 1981
benjamin harker

Brian had something / I did not / a lump

6 May 2025

on mary oliver's wild geese
james peak

Unrequited love, impossible love, stupid, foolish love. My heart is broken, but so is the poet’s.

5 May 2025

poem: little knot, 1983
benjamin harker

Three fingers are the promises, Akela said, taking a finger of his own and swirling it around the circle of my thumb and little finger

4 May 2025

two way mirror: pedophiles coming out to one another
bly

Two people simultaneously and silently ask, I'm one of the good ones, but are you?

3 May 2025

poem: earliest memory, 1977
benjamin harker

I only have as negatives / yellow/navy baby reins

2 May 2025

nitro in person
py

He dropped me off at the airport one last time, and he hugged me again. He wasn't crying this time. Instead, he mentioned that it may not be the last time he'd see me. But it was.

1 May 2025

poem: glass door, 1983
benjamin harker

And I, a head full of bricks, swung thoughtless / around the top post, through the gap, crashed / through the surface of that great, glass, perpendicular sea.

30 April 2025

in april, i open my bill
benjamin harker

Paedophiles do not pursue the lives of cuckoos purposefully. We begin loved and welcomed. We are babies, then children and we grow up alongside you.

22 April 2025

lawful good: writing a nomap character
tom jones

As I wrote the scenes where his attractions are revealed, it was my own coming out story all over again.

15 April 2025

nitro's final thoughts
nitro

I am a pedophile. I've made over 18,000 posts on the VirPed forum since 2015. I am dying.

8 April 2025

mouse trapped: i was channel 4's masked pedophile
anonymous

In 2023, I appeared anonymously with a Channel 4 panel talking about my sexual attraction to children. It's clear we don't yet know how to have this conversation.

25 March 2025

life is not a decision: a pedophile parent
charlie keyes

I decided, with every factor in play, that above all, I was going to be a damned good parent

18 March 2025

caught between two stigmas
markus

I was sexually abused as a child. I am also sexually attracted to children. I wanted support for abuse survivors but was turned down. So where do people like me go?

11 March 2025

i didn't figure out i was a pedophile until my 50s
ethan edwards

Looking back, it was there from puberty, but I was interpreting it as the fondness many adults feel for children.

25 February 2025

the night i said the p word
rakkaus keksit

I’d agreed to meet my long-time friend one last time before I left. I hadn’t taken into account hash or female intuition.

14 January 2025

a tale of two therapists
sammy jenkis

I was desperate to talk about this with someone. Could I risk it a second time?

7 January 2025

at peace with my pedophilia
ethan edwards

Since I sought with passion the sort of partner that society approved of, there was little impetus to look at whether I had any other attractions.

1 January 2025

poem: coming out day
brandon goletzski

i want to take my clothes off in front of you / then my skin too / toss it aside rumpled & empty

14 November 2024

a note on the costs of self-hatred
leonard johnston

Empathy is important, especially for those who are most hated - even by me.

16 June 2024

an obituary for a gay man
leonard johnston

I don't think of myself as gay. Their vibrant culture is not mine. And yet, their stories are my stories.

17 December 2023

reflections, learnings, and critiques on an amazing pedophilia study
leonard johnston

Aella's survey found thousands of people with a sexual interest in kids. How should we interpret this?

earlier items